Wicked
by Bedlam Flux
Summary: Avalon Manx is certainly something different. Betrayed, battered, and bitchy, she tries hard to stay at least alive in a world where she's just found herself completely alone. SBxOC.
1. T R U T H

_**Okay, my first HP fanfic. Be gentle.** _

_**Summary; Avalon Manx is certainly something different. Betrayed, battered, and bitchy, she tries-- hard-- to stay (at least) alive in a world where she's just found herself completely and utterly alone. Most people make it difficult for her, and others just seem to make it downright **impossible_

_**-**_

_**W I C K E D**_

_.U N._

_**T R U T H**_

**_-_**

I leaned against the musty wall of Riddle Manor, the dwindling glow from the fireplace casting a warm shadow across my caramel skin. Rabastan and Rodolphus Lestrange stood inches from me, Rabastan a little farther than I would have liked him.

It was only the innermost circle tonight; the Malfoys, the Lestranges, the Wilkeses and those who didn't think to bother with family like Vince Nott and Antonin Dolohov.

Bellatrix Black and her sister Narcissa were the only ones of their family to delve so deeply into the dark arts as to join Riddle. Their parents were purebloods, but wanted nothing to do with a war or revolution of any kind. Their smaller cousin, Regulus, often accompanied them on meetings of lesser importance. He was a boy full of aspiration and the will to fulfill them. Why he would wish to waist his dreams in a foolish cause was beyond me.

Everyone here had a purpose, a deep hatred for Muggleborns, or an inhuman enjoyment in watching them die. Everyone here thrived from the power the Dark Lord presented to them.

And my story?

I was bred in the dark arts. There was no _'alternative'_.

Rabastan's fingers brushed gently against my own, and I felt the warmth of his body immediately as he moved closer. My eyes shifted their stare from the center of the room, onto his dark, brooding face.

The Lestrange twins were undoubtedly handsome, glorious even. They were both enigmatic and dangerous, their aura that of a dark heart. Dark, perhaps, but in Rabastan's case, there was love as well.

Rodolphus was taller, 6'2'', which was good for Bellatrix who reached heights like five foot seven. I was only 5'2'' but Rabastan still towered over me at 6'. The smaller brother had longer hair, that curled attractively just beneath his ears. Rodolphus' hair was neatly cut short to his scalp. Even with their differences, it was evident that they were brothers, both beautiful, both enshrouded in the shadow of a rising oppressor.

Now, Rabastan intertwined our hands, taking his other arm to snake around my waist. He pressed me flush against him, and I sighed, "Rabastan, not here."  
He laughed quietly, pressing his nose into my hair, "where then?" he whispered, "unless you want to stay with me tonight?"

I exhaled slowly and let my head fall to his chest.

My father had died, weeks ago, at the hands of one 'Mad Eye' Moody. Since then, I'd been spending my nights with Evan, my father's god son, and his family. Rabastan, of course, hardly approved. _Evan was our age,_ he would say, _what would stop him from taking you away from me?_

There was hardly room to argue. Evan and I had a very close relationship. Merlin, we'd been having baths together at the age of two, after all. There was no restraining the surge of jealousy once it corrupted the mind of a Lestrange.

"Okay," I sighed, "_just_ tonight."

I felt him stiffen, and looked up to see his eyes alight, "Finally," he chuckled, "I was beginning to think you didn't want me_."_

I pressed a small kiss to his full lips, "You're too pretty to pass up," I joked.

"_How Sweet."_

The hiss sent a chill through me, my skin immediately reacting to the icy quality the voice of my master held. I jumped away from Rabastan, startled, and the Dark Lord pressed me into the wall, his gruesomely handsome face just inches from mine.

"How fortunate, Lestrange, that you have captured such a fiery beauty," he drawled, his frigid finger tracing my jaw line. In that moment, my eyes met Rabastan's and I saw anger in his stormy, brown irises.

"Isn't it, boy?" Voldemort sniped, locking eyes with my boyfriend.

"Very lucky, my lord," Rabastan bowed his head, answering through clenched teeth. The room was deadly silent as he continued the path down my throat with his deathly white fingers. They stilled at the base of my neck, and he tapped my overly erratic pulse point.

"Yes," he mumbled as he turned away, "_lovely_."

As Voldemort swept back to the center of the room, Rabastan leaned stonily against the wall. He did not touch me, nor spare me a reassuring glance the remainder of the night.

When the meeting ended, we all filed, like dark phantoms, into the silent night. The Dark Lord held his congregations inside the house of his father in a small Muggle town. He had recently moved our meetings here, as our castle near Bath had been raided by the Order not days before my father died.

I felt as though I should be grieving, or showing some signs of remorse for the old man. But what did I owe him? My mother birthed me into a world shrouded in goodness, and the lighter side of magic. She died at childbirth, hoping I would become an Auror or some kind of beneficiary to the magical community. My father called ridding our world of Muggleborns _beneficial_.

How _quaint_.

I stood in the middle of the lawn, watching from a distance as the two Lestrange brothers ambled towards me, and Bella blow a kiss towards Rodolphus. Their father nodded towards both of them, throwing a special wink towards my boyfriend. Rabastan reached me, and I stretched my hand out to grip his shoulder, "What is it?"

"Not here," he mimicked my words from earlier in the night, and my jaw dropped a centimeter, slightly hurt at the scorn.

Rodolphus threw a merry arm about my shoulder, "Hullo, love," he smiled, "spending the night, are we?"

I rolled my eyes, "Not if your brother doesn't care to show a bit of respect," I said loudly, watching as Rabastan's face turned a decimal, his profile visible to me. He tossed his shoulders and stopped, causing Rodolphus to bump into his back.

We were silent a moment before Rabastan cursed into the night, "Bloody blocks," he mumbled, "looks like we're walking." He pointed to the Muggle town that was completely desolate. How early did Muggles go to bed, anyhow?

I shrugged Rodolphus' arm from around my shoulder and jogged to keep up with Rabastan. I slipped my hand into his, which remained slack in my hold, "Rab," I cooed, "what is it?"

He shook his head, and the muscles in his jaw were working against the skin, "Is it," I tossed my head back in the direction of the house, "him?"

"Voldemort," Rabastan spat, "thinks he can have everything, does he? Would he touch you the same way if I made you my wife?" he murmured, "I bet 'e would, that…." He trailed off, muttering obscenities to himself.

"There's nothing you can do," I said acidly, "you love to serve him, don't you?"

"I dunno anymore." He whispered, looking back towards me with confusion swirling in his eyes.

My brow furrowed, but I had no answer to an epiphany of that caliber. Rabastan had always been loyal. This—this was treason.

-

We arrived at the boys' flat near Knockturn at around two. The Goblinbane, the brothers' favorite pub, had been devoid of people tonight, and Rodolphus had hounded us until we went in. He had the key to the bloody flat anyways.

"Bugger," Rabastan laughed as he stepped on Whisper's tail. His cat was older than time, and fat enough not to fit through the kitty door any more. She whined, scurrying as fast as her chubby legs would carry her, to the other room.

I stumbled into the apartment, not feeling very woozy from the booze, but more blind, from the dark. Rodolphus flicked on the light, and immediately turned it back off.

"Yeah," he muttered, "light is _not_ my mate at the mo."

I giggled, trying to adjust my vision to the darkness. I heard Rodolphus stumbling into his room at the end of the hall, and his shoes landing on the floor as he tiredly kicked them off. There was a creaky sound as he threw himself onto the bed, and then a content sigh.

I could feel Rabastan behind me, and I turned, barely making out his profile in the dark before he captured me into his arms.

"Did you recently acquire night vision, then?" I chuckled. He grunted, and as he lifted me from the floor I threw my legs haphazardly around his waist. We bumped into several walls on the way up the stairs. Rabastan had the loft all to himself, and his room was just a mattress on the floor with a dwindling lamp hanging above it.

As we climbed the staircase, his lips descended softly to my throat and I ran my fingers through his silky, black hair. We both landed, not so softly, on the large mattress. Rabastan hovered over me, his eyes taking in every inch of my face. I wondered, briefly, what he saw that so fascinated him, that could put that look of total awe into his eyes.

"My father spoke with the Dark Lord tonight," he whispered, and the darkness suddenly became thick with tension, "asked him about you."

Elthor Lestrange was the boys' father, and a very influential ministry official. No one knew he was working for the Dark Lord, and Voldemort would have it no other way.

"What _about_ me?" I responded, pulling my arms away from his neck.

"You'll go to Hogwarts with me at the end of the summer," he said sternly, almost as if he knew I'd fight him on it, "no exceptions, Ava."

I pushed him away from me and sat up, sliding until I reached the end of the bed, "I have friends in France, Rab," I murmured, "not in England."

"You have _me_," he said incredulously, "there's nothing left for you in France but an empty house and the grave of a man that you loathe."

"I'm not changing schools," I spat, turning around to face him, "not in my seventh year, not into a place where that old codger is constantly meddling in the lives of his students! How can you stand to be under Dumbledore's watch all the time, anyhow?"

Evan rose from the bed, giving me a contemptuous look and beginning to unbutton his shirt, "It's not relevant," he whispered, discarding the garment into his hamper. His back faced me, and I could see the fading scars on his tanned skin. It was no secret that Elthor took the belt to all his boys, "you're going. Dark Lord's orders."

"What does he expect me to get out of Hogwarts, hmm?" my tone softened, but my glare remained resolute as Rab came to join me on the bed.

"Can you just," he touched my face, sighing, "just do what it is you're told for once? We can see each other everyday, love. What could be so bad about that?"

I hardly relented, but he saw the weakening in my stance, "I suppose I've got no choice, do I?"

"No," he chuckled, pressing a hot kiss to my neck, "no choice at all. You know how it is."  
I smiled as his kisses became more insistent, "Better than most."

-

Diagon Alley was filled to the brim with happy Witches and Wizards as we entered it on August 31st. Rodolphus was solo today, as Walburga didn't approve of Bella gallivanting around with him when they were not yet married, nor engaged. The Black Matron was certainly old fashioned.

He was eyeing certain Witches who were unfamiliar to me, as was almost everyone here. Hogwarts was a place I'd never even seen, never even heard much of in France. Some of our students went there on some exchange program in my first year, but other than that, we had no ties with the ancient castle.

"D'you have everything you need, Av?" Rab bent low to whisper in my ear and I nodded, turning my head away from him. I tried to disengage my hand from his grip, but he held on tighter than usual. What was he so afraid of here?

I walked with him into a store called Madam Malkins, and watched, with a smile as she pinched and prodded him into submission. He tried on several pairs of robes, taking them all. Black suited him very well. My new robes were stripped of their Beauxbatons' symbol and embroidered with the Hogwarts crest.

Rabastan had informed me of the 'sorting', where I would 'be placed into Slytherin, certainly'. The other houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw were not acceptable, and if I were to be put into one of them… well, the consequences would not work out in my favor.

I sat down on the small runway that led from the dressing rooms, right in front of Rab's feet. I saw him looking down at me through the mirror, and in seconds, his eyes met mine in the looking glass.

"I know you're not happy about this," he began, dismissing the old tailor woman with a wave of his hand, "but it's for the best."

"The best for _who, _exactly?" I asked, tearing my eyes from his face, "you or me?"

"You, of course. All of us. _He_ wants you at Hogwarts for a reason, Avalon, not just for child's play."

I rose from the small podium and turned to look my lover directly in the eye, "Sometimes I feel as if you're more devoted to _him_ than you are to _me_."

"Sometimes," he growled, "it has to be that way."

I laughed bitterly, stepping back from him, "I'll see you, Rab."

"Ava!" he shouted, stepping out of the robe. I was gone from the store and the small street before he could catch up with me. The back alleys and small streets of Diagon were unfamiliar to me, and I was lost more quickly than I knew. There was a pub called the Leaky Cauldron, and I stepped inside, exhausted, more mentally than physically.

"What can I get for ye, Miss?"

I looked down up from the mahogany bar into the eyes of the bartender. He stared back at me, smiling a toothless smile, "I'll take a butterbeer."

"'Course."

There was a ruckus, and I hear the bell chiming at the entrance. Three boys walked into the dark pub, one of them laden with purchases.

"That oughta teach you to bet more carefully, Wormtail."

The voice was rich and husky, as if it'd been used too much in its lifetime. It belonged to a handsome individual, one whom I recognized. It wasn't that I had ever met Sirius Black, but being fair friends with his cousins, you came to recognize the familiarities. He had the trademark looks. Black hair, attractive visage, and the confidence of a bull. He stood, obviously taller than me, and was appealingly muscular.

One of his companions, a tall and lanky blond, sat down in a booth off towards the back, motioning for his friends to follow. Tiredly, the one carrying all of the days' buys plopped down beside him. He was the opposite of the blond, short and stumpy with mousy brown hair. He looked oddly out of place with the other two.

"Pads!"

As the door opened once again, my heart jumped up into my throat. He stood there, with the same excited look I had last seen on him. So naïve. His hair was longer now, and darker. There was something aged to his face, a weather beaten coarseness. His stubble was short, but it made him look so much more a man than the boy I knew.

"James Potter," I laughed, taking a swig of my butterbeer, "aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

His stride stopped, and his dark haired friend peered around him to look at me. I swallowed the rest of my beverage and stood, watching in amusement as James curved, his face a hard mask.

"Avalon," he whispered.

"Oh I love how you say my name, darling," I purred sarcastically, stopping centimeters from him, "it's been too long."

"Av?"

I turned, with a sultry smile to James, to see the enraged eyes of my boyfriend. They were focused on the four boys, darting to each one surreptitiously, "Rab." I greeted stonily, moving to place a kiss on his cheek. His eyes flicked to me, and the fire increased.

"What are you doing here?" he snarled, increasing his grip on my waist, "with," he smiled bitterly at James and the Black blood traitor, "this _filth_?"

I retracted myself from his side and glared at him, "James and I were friends when we were kids. I'd appreciate if you not call him filth."

He shook his head, that hair of his falling into his eyes, "And the blood traitor? How can you bare to stand in his presence?"

My eyes darted to Sirius and I shrugged, "Doesn't seem so bad to me."

My comment only fueled his anger and I stepped away, back towards the door. Rodolphus entered the pub, grumbling to himself about his 'brother's flighty girl'. When he saw Rab, and then James, he grinned, pulling his wand from his robes, "Ah," he chuckled, "Marauders."

"'ats right," Sirius growled, stepping forward. James's eyes remained on me, and I looked at him apologetically.

"So you're with him, now?" he motioned vaguely to Rabastan.

"Yes, Potter," Rab barked, "she's with _me_."

James ignored him, stepping closer to me. Rabastan crossed his arms over his chest, and I saw his nostrils flare, "What happened to you?"

I turned from his penetrating stare and blinked back the tears, "I grew up, James."

He bobbed his head, placing his hand on Sirius' shoulder. The blood traitor lowered his wand, sending me a strange glance, and took a few steps back, "I can see that."

-

"What the hell was that all about?" Rabastan hollered as we 'popped' back in to the apartment. Rodolphus threw himself onto the couch, placing his boot-clad feet up on the coffee table. He smirked at me, and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"C'mon, Rab," Rodolphus whined, "she said they were _old_ mates, not current ones."

"Piss off, Rodolphus," Rabastan bit back, making his brother raise his eyebrows. He shot me a repentant smile, and I shrugged my shoulders, watching him walk toward his room at the end of the hall, and shut his door. At least _he_ would be able to block out our spat.

I steeled myself for Rabastan's berating, only, it never came.

"I wonder if maybe you're too good for all of this," he said suddenly. I looked over to where he was seated on the counter, drinking a glass of water. He let his eyes drift from his hands to me, and I stared at him, perplexed.

"You know," he said quietly, "the Death Eaters and the Dark Arts."

"Love," I whispered, slipping myself between his legs, "why would you say that?"

He caressed my cheek with his thumb, laying a soft kiss on my lips. He shook his head, chuckling to himself, "Forget it," he murmured, "let's go to bed."

-

The Hogwarts Express was a lot _larger_ than I expected. No, I lie, it was a lot pansier than I expected. I mean, a _scarlet_ steam engine? It's practically pink.

"Like it?" Rab asked, sidling up next to me. Our trunks lay on the ground beside us, and I could tell Rabastan was impatient to get a compartment all to ourselves. I just couldn't stop staring at the _pink_ locomotive.

"Sure," I deadpanned, pulling my black trunk into the narrow hallway of the Express.

Students from all years trampled us until we found a suitable compartment, and Rabastan shoved our trunks overhead.

"Now," he whispered, smiling charmingly at me and settling his arms around my waist, "we have this whole train ride, and a single. What should we do?"

I raised my brows at him, "I'm sure you've already decided that."

He kissed me, our smiles melting together into a passionate dance between lips. Rabastan's kisses always disarmed me, made me putty in his grasp. Now, though, that the giddy part of our relationship was wearing away, his kisses were more fervent, and less gentle. I made a noise of pleasure as he slipped his hand inside my shirt, his fingers digging into the skin at the base of my spine. It was slightly painful, but satisfying. Yes, that would be the Death Eater speaking in me, just there.

"Look, Prongs," a voice from the doorway broke our embrace, and I disengaged my mouth from Rabastan's, pulling my shirt down in the progress, "a free show."

I peeked around my boyfriend to be met with an enthralling pair of granite eyes. They flicked over my face quickly, and recognition dawned inside of them.

"Well if it isn't my new mate," Sirius Black nodded at me, a silent challenge in his eyes. A challenge to what, I wouldn't find out until much later.

"Nice to see you again, James," I whispered, tearing my gaze from the attractive Black to the man who accompanied him. He and my boyfriend were engaged in a staring match. Ah, _Men._

"I didn't know you were coming to Hogwarts, Av," James said quietly, not bothering to look in my direction.

"Nor did I, actually," I confessed, "until just recently."  
James finally looked won at me, "Well, I'm glad you're here."  
"Well, fancy that," Rabastan's sarcastic drawl came from behind me, "so am I. You won't be seeing much of Potter or Black, though, Avalon, as you won't be in their house. Say goodbye Potter, I believe this compartment's _ours_."

"You don't have to go," I told James desperately, ignoring Rabastan's sigh of protest, "we can talk some."

He gave me a small kiss, just above the apple of my cheek, "Some other time," he murmured, "promise."

He and Black left without another word, their trunks following behind them. Sirius paused at the doorway, turning back around to look at me. Rabastan stepped forward, narrowing his eyes, "I'll be looking forward to seeing you," Black winked at me, and Rabastan stepped again toward him.

"You'll stay away from her if you know what's good for you," he warned, pulling his wand from his robes. I placed a small hand on his arm.

"I guess I don't know what's good for me then."

-

The castle, at least from what I could see, was _not_ scarlet. Thank Merlin. It was the natural cobblestone, and stood elegantly on a hill overlooking the village of Hogsmeade. As we walked toward the horse drawn carriages, the horses in particular caught my eye.

"Thestrals," I said to Redolphus, "aren't they?"

Bella nodded sadly from beside him, "That they are, darling," her black eyes flicked to me, "who was it?"

"My dad killed his sister when I was ten. Blood-traitor."

She nodded, "I see."

Two arms settled around my waist, lifting me from the ground. I shrieked, and the perpetrator spun me around to face him. Evan Rosier smiled down at me, his eyes crinkling at the edges.

"Evan!" I gushed, throwing my arms about his neck, "I've missed you dreadfully!"

"And I, you." He said into my hair, "are you ready to be sorted?"

He placed his arm around my shoulder, ignoring the scowling face of my lover, and escorted me into a carriage. Evan took a seat in front of me as Rab and Rodolphus piled into the carriage, Bella bringing up the rear.

"I suppose," I said tiredly, covering my yawn with my free hand. My other was encased inside one of Rabastan's.

"You'll love the sky," Rab said to me suddenly, one of his moments of charm bubbling to the surface, "at night, you can see it so clearly here. It's lovely."

"Let's not fight," I whispered, turning my face to be parallel to his, "I hate bickering with you."

"I'm sorry I'm so jealous," he nibbled maddeningly on my ear, "it's just I'm so afraid that everyone wants to take you away."

"I'm not _that_ great."

"You _are_," he insisted, "you have no idea."

The rest of the ride was spent in silence, me, staring at Rabastan—trying to figure out where he hid so many personalities. He only had one body, after all. They all couldn't fit inside that head of his. The Thestrals led us surprisingly smoothly up the castle, where they deposited us in front of two, large doors.

"Home sweet home," Bella groaned, flicking her black hair over her shoulder, "_marvelous_."

"Don't be so raw, Bell," Rodolphus grinned, slinging his arm about her waist, "it's only one more year."

"Oh," she threw her hand to her face dramatically, "_don't_ remind me darling."  
I let my eyes wander over the students, and they locked again with those enchanting odd-colored eyes of Sirius Black. He smiled at me through the throng, and feeling oddly guilty, I turned away. We entered the castle, and I noticed every single member of the Eaters whisper something into the cloth at their arms. Was there some sort of incantation, something to hide the sinister snake that slithered away on their arm?

I looked down as Rabastan mimicked them, flashing me a genuine smile as he pulled his lips from his wrist. Yes, there was no more mark, but it was hidden beneath the surface, waiting to burst forth. I imagined my heart much the same. I wasn't as horribly corrupted as Bella or Rabastan, but my darkness lingered just underneath the flesh. Because, it was certainly there. I could feel its sweet seduction every moment.

Rab led me to a table at the far end of the 'Great Hall' as he called it. I imagined it to be his House table. Slytherin.

"I'm worried," he spoke very low, and I strained to hear him.

"About?" I murmured, brushing his hair back from his eyes.

"About you. What I said the other night, about you not being cut out for the Dark Arts. The hat will know."

"And?"

"There's never been a Death Eater in Gryffindor," he said, his eyes flickering about the hall.

I followed his gaze to the front of the room, and found a whole new pair of eyes on me; that of the supposed 'Greatest Wizard of All Time'. Dumbledore was a kindly looking chap, his hair long and silvery, feather light. He smiled genuinely at me, tipping his cup in my direction. I nodded back, watching as he drank.

There was something in the way he looked so deeply into me that made me look away. I could feel power radiating from him in waves. That man, the Headmaster, knew everything there was to know in just that one glance into my soul.

I tuned out the remainder of the feast, and only the sound of my name brought me down from my daydreams. I looked up again, and a stern-looking professor motioned to me with her index finger. Hundreds of eyes turned towards me, all inquisitors. As I walked down the aisle between tables, I felt as if I were on display. The boys at the other tables were looking at me as if I were fresh meat, and the professors, I'm sure, were wondering if I'd be another dimwit taking up space in their classes.

"Miss Manx," Dumbledore brought my hand to his wrinkled lips, and then swept his hand elegantly to the stool. I sat on it, watching as a beaten old hat was place down my hair. It matted the black curls to my face, and then began to whisper to me.

_Dark mind, very dark. But so very brilliant. _

**_Just put me in Slytherin… _**I begged of it, not wanting feel as if I'd betrayed Rabastan, as if I'd betrayed my namesake.

_But you could be great in Gryffindor, or Ravenclaw! Think of the possibilities! _

**_There aren't any! _**

The hat shifted a bit on my head. _Slytherin will make you great, but there will be no glory. You will be infamous, not famous. Do you still wish for it?_

**_I… do. _**

_I diverge. _

"Gryffindor!"

Oh_, shite. _

-

_sometimes it's hard to see the enemy  
the left, the right, or the fence of apathy  
the sheep or the wolf, it's a thinly veiled disguise  
movements are worthless if they're plagued with lies_

_-_

_**Well?**_


	2. A C Q U A I N T A N C E

_**

* * *

**_

_**W I C K E D**_

_.DEUX._

_**A C Q U A I N T A N C E**_

_-DreamMeDelirious-_

* * *

****

"What would you have me _do_?" I screamed, my voice echoing around the empty hallway. Rabastan stood before me, infuriated as I'd never seen him before.

"Act as thought you're one of _us!"_ he shouted back, grabbing my upper arms. I whimpered, but he didn't relent.

"Merlin, Rab," I snarled, "let go!"

"Oi!" footsteps sounded down the hall, and Rabastan shoved me away from himself, "that's no way to treat a lady Lestrange."

James slipped his arms around me but I shrugged him off, watching as Sirius advanced on my boyfriend. The Black threw a punch, and Rabastan wasn't quick enough to dodge it.

"_Stop!"_ I shouted. I touched the bruise quickly forming around Rabastan's eyes, and watched, sickened, as he wiped blood from his mouth. He swatted my hand away, and I placed it on my hip.

Closing my eyes, I felt suddenly exhausted, "Just go, Rab. Please. We'll talk la— in the _morning_."

He grabbed me by the hand, and shot a furtive glance over my shoulder, "It could be dangerous, if you turn into one of _him_," he tilted his chin toward Sirius, who only smirked proudly, "_don't_ go down that path."

I pulled my hand from his, "Afraid to lose your trophy, Rabastan?"

"Afraid to lose your life, more like."

I watched him walk back down the hallway, and then felt James stir beside me.

"Don't." I said immediately as his mouth opened, "you are _not _allowed to say a single, _bloody _thing about my relationship."

He smirked, embracing me quickly and then pulling away. "I was only going to say that it's good to know you're not _all_ bad."

I rolled my eyes, "O, James," I sighed, "still so naive."

His eyes hardened and he clenched his fists, "Aye. When it comes to you, I refuse to see the awful truth."

His words stung more than I would let him see. As he retreated into the Gryffindor common room, I shot a longing glance back down the corridor. Rabastan was long gone, but I could still feel his tangible anger. His negativity was only half of what I would receive when the Dark Lord found out. I shivered at the thought.

"Comin'?"

I swiveled my head back 'round, and came face to face with Sirius, his tantalizing form leaning just casually on the wall next to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"It's not quite my bed time yet," I said, knowing that I had a meeting to get to in the Forbidden Forest in about forty five minutes.

"Got somewheres to be?" he asked, only I felt as if he already knew the answer.

"Yeh," I replied, "why?"

"Jus' wondering," he smiled, "can I accompany you?"

"No!" I said quickly, perhaps too quickly.

The same knowing smirk appeared on his lips and he took a few steps toward me. I smoothed my tight oxford shirt and fluffed my skirt for a distraction from those melting sandstone eyes.

"Students aren't allowed out after hours," Sirius whispered, "breaking the rules on your first night?"

I looked up at him through my dark lashes, "Somehow, I don't think you'll rat me out."

He cocked his head to the side, and I abruptly felt as if he were too close, "Goodbye, Black," I murmured, turning on my heel and slipping down the hallway. I could feel his eyes on my back, and couldn't help but thinking I had made a mistake. He knew now, that I was leaving somewhere, somewhere obviously vital to me, and I failed in making sure he stayed silent_. I had failed in leaving him alive_. Paranoid? Yes, in my line of servitude, you had to be.

* * *

I hurried through the yard, feeling the moonlight skitter amiably across my skin. Rabastan, Rodolphus, Bella, Evan and a new acquaintance by the name of Severus were waiting for me just inside the line of the forest.

"Avalon," Bella drawled, "how is my dear Gryffindor cousin?"

I smirked, "Insufferable."

She smiled sadly, almost remorsefully, "You should have joined us in Slytherin dearest."

Rabastan grabbed my hand as I neared him, and I stopped, letting the others move ahead of us.

"Tonight could end badly," I said slowly to his back, "I want you to know something."

He turned towards me, his eyes dark and pained, "Don't speak that way, Ava."

"Rab," I murmured, ignoring his words, "I love you. Even though you may be the most prattish man alive, I_ do_ love you."

I was in his arms in moments, our lips fusing together. I groaned as he pressed me deeply into a tree. His hands crawled up my skirt, but I broke the kiss before it could become too heated. I would have ravaged him there, at the edge of the forest, if I had known how the night would finish.

"I love you too," he mumbled against my lips. After a moment, he turned, leading me to a clearing about a mile into the forest. The dark branches hung over us like arms of the wicked reaching out to our bodies. The trees grimaced down at us, and the knots in their trunks hissed and howled as we passed them. Forbidden wasn't a good enough word for this wood, it should have been something like _lethal_.

We gathered in the clearing, and my hand became sweaty as I clutched to the front of Rabastan's robes. The Dark Lord faced away from us, but when he called my name, I heard him as clearly as if he had spoken it into my ear.

"Avalon," he said, "come."

I inhaled a trembling breath and Rabastan pressed a reassuring kiss to my temple. I stepped toward our master, and I could see Rab from where I came to stand.

"I've heard some disturbing news," Riddle growled.

"Oh?" my voice quivered, and he smiled as he heard the effect his presence had on me.

He stepped closer, my nose nearly brushing his chest.

"Gryffindor?" he hissed, and immediately after, I felt it. His hand, like a sharpened blade, came down on my cheek. It sliced open in three different gashes from his talon-like claw. I gently touched my cheek, feeling it burn at the contact. Blood flowed down my cheek and I hissed in pain, preparing myself for the onslaught that was sure to come.

"_Crucio!"_ It was delivered like a devil's kiss, no hopes of resurfacing from the pain. He didn't stop until I screamed, which took various repetitions of the Unforgivable.

"I had such high expectations," Voldemort said from above me.

My eyes flowed upwards, but instead of landing on Voldemort, they found Rabastan in the silent crowd. His fist was placed in front of his mouth, his eyes hard and etched in agony. His lips mouthed the words 'I love you', but his silence, his neglect, spoke so much louder. It screamed that he wouldn't save me. Not now, not ever.

And it broke my heart.

* * *

After a few more screams of the most painful of the Unforgivable's, and then a chilling warning from the Dark Lord, I was set free_. 'Let me down once more,'_ Voldemort had hissed into my ear as I passed him, _'and I will not be so kind'._ I stumbled back into the mass of student Death Eaters, bloody and soiled. Most of all, however, I was cold. My heart, my mind. I truly belonged in Slytherin now, there was nothing remotely Gryffindor about me.

Rabastan reached out for me, but I shrugged past him, leaning tiredly against a tree in the back.

The meeting was over quickly after my beating, with only a few words of caution as we flitted around under Dumbledore's watch. People, with vindictive, sadistic smirks on their faces, filed past me back to the school.

"Avalon," Voldemort called again as I turned to go, "a word?"

I proceed slowly, and with caution toward him, watching with emotional detachment as he pointed his wand at me. The Dark Lord whispered something to himself, and a burst of black mist ejected from the tip of his wand. I closed my eyes, and pain like mockery to the Crucio assaulted my abdomen. My eyes snapped open, and I hurried to pull up my oxford. The sickening form of a snake coiled around my hips, settling just above the line of my skirt. The head dipped below the waist line, and the tail made a half circle around my navel. It burned red for a moment, sending another jolt of white-hot pain through me, and then faded to black. Branded, claimed, I was all _his_ now.

I shuddered, feeling a cold sweat break out over my body, and the ground rushed up to meet me as I fell. Arms caught me, but I had already fainted.

* * *

The loud shrieking of a woman woke me, and sun blinded me as my eyes lazily opened. I looked around the unfamiliar surroundings, the scene slowly registering in my mind. There were beds lined all along the hall, some with wary occupants, some emptied. Next to me, a young girl was getting treated for plaguing boils—obviously the effect of a potion gone wrong. Either that or she had been terribly hexed.

With stark realization, it came to me that I was lying in a bed in the hospital wing of my new school. The night before (if I had been here that long) was clear in my memory. I pulled up the hospital gown I wore, revealing the snake. Only, it wasn't black, but nude, blending in with the sandy flesh it resided on.

"Ah," someone above me spoke, and I pulled my hospital gown down, "you're awake. Had quite a nasty fall there, eh?"

The woman was a stocky one, her kind, rouged face smiling at me warmly as she bent over to inspect the wound on my cheek.

"I'm Madam Pomfrey, by the way," she muttered distractedly, and she fled to the other side of my bed, prodding at a particularly painful spot behind my ear.

"Charmed," I drawled sarcastically. She stood straight, whipping the covers from me, and exposing my half-bare body to the chill. I shivered, clutching my arms over my chest, and glaring up, half-heartedly at the old matron.

"Hmm, I'll keep you 'til lunch, and then you can be on your way for your afternoon classes, alright, deary?" she tapped her chin, not waiting for an answer before rushing off to aid a couple of wailing first years.

"Sure," I muttered, "wonderful. Absolutely--."

"Do you make it a habit of talking to yourself, then?"

I turned at the husky voice of my neighbor, leveling him with my glare.

"Who're you?" I snapped.

The boy, who was too pale, but somewhat handsome, smiled, "Remus Lupin," he nodded, "and you're Avalon, no?"

"Yeh," I furrowed my brows, "how…?"

"James was in earlier," he shrugged, returning to his previous activity of staring out the window, "told me a little about you."

"All good, I hope," I garbled mockingly, letting my head fall back onto my pillow. My cheek burned, and the snake around my middle tightened.

"Yes," Remus answered, and I could feel his eyes on me, "mostly good, anyhow."

I felt the air change, as if Remus were going to say something else, but the obscenely large door at the end of the hall opened before he could utter another word. In entered someone who had changed, in the course of one night, from a dream, to a nightmare.

I scowled, "What in the hell are you doing here?"

Rabastan's jaw clenched lightly and he continued to stroll toward me, ignoring Remus' presence on the bed beside mine, "I've come to see how you're doing of course," he rebutted, reaching out a hand to me.

I shirked away from him, grinding my teeth together to prevent our anticipated war of words. He grunted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"What makes you think I ever want to see you again?" I asked quietly, sparing a glance around the infirmary. It was void of all matrons. Perfect.

His laugh was humorless, "You love me, remember? And I love you."

"Oh!" I chuckled scornfully, "you do, do you?" my shirt slipped easily over my head, and I shimmied into my trousers. "Some perception of love, you have, Lestrange."

He glowered, and I returned it as I shrugged into my dirtied jacket from the night before, "You should be resting--," Remus advised quietly, obviously trying not to eavesdrop on our conversation.

"Thank you Remus, but I'd rather not." I said briskly, ignoring as Rabastan opened his mouth to argue.

"James wanted to have a word then," the blond mumbled, "in the common room."

I just nodded, turning on my heel to leave the blasted infirmary. Rabastan held pace with me, "I love you, Avalon, this just can't be_ it_," he said as we mounted our first set of stairs. I spun toward him, my hair wrapping itself around my neck.

"And why _not_?" I asked, my voice slipping into a dangerous tone, "It was obviously not out of _love_ that you let the that power crazed bastard Crucio me into _hell_, it was not out of _love_ that you let everyone laugh at me for their own sick pleasures, and it was certainly not out of _love_, you idiot, that you didn't even lift a _finger_ to stop your fucking master brand me as _his_!"

I stared at him, tears shining in my eyes as he raised one eyebrow, an act I used to find appealing. Now though, it just fueled my anger, "So yes, _darling lover_, this is the end of you and me. Go… find another heart to mangle."

I turned, seeing through my haze of tears, the welcome portrait of the fat lady. She marked the landmark of my new house, and I went towards her.

The password fell unconsciously from my lips, and I entered the small hole, feeling my heart constrict even more painfully with every step I took away from Rabastan. As Remus had predicted, James and Sirius, and another boy were sitting on the couch in the common room, playing a joyous game of exploding snap. There were student's milling around here and about the space, but most were probably outside. I, for one, would not have wasted a day like this inside if I were back in France.

"You wanted to see me?" I asked strongly, wiping away the remnants of my traitorous tears.

James looked up, concern flashing across his features, before he was up and moving towards me, "What'd that bastard boyfriend of yours say to you?"

I shook my head, "Rabastan said nothing to me," I told him forcefully, "leave him well alone, James, you hear me?"

James Potter and I had once been close enough to where I had considered him my kindred spirit. By the time we were eight, we were finishing each other's sentences, and I was quite the little tom boy. I had watched him grow from awkwardness to adolescence, but then our companionship had been cut short.

I swallowed the remorse in my chest, and smiled warily up at James, "You wanted something?"

"Yeah!" he boomed, making me take a step away from him. Eyes turned to us, before quickly returning to their previous activities.

"Okay..."

"What the bloody hell happened to you, Av?" he questioned, leading me forcefully to the couch where only Sirius was left. The other boy had disappeared. Black devoured me again with his eyes, but not in a way that I found flirting. It always seemed, in the short meetings that we'd had, that he was searching for something more profound than my moody exterior. Not that I had ever given him reason to.

"Nothing James," I stayed resolute, even as his face became disbelieving.

"Bullshit."

I laughed, "And?"

"You owe me the truth," he growled.

I sat down on an armchair, my eyes unconsciously drifting to Sirius Black. He was still watching me, and I immediately switched my gaze to James, "What do you _think_ happened?"

"Right now, I'm leaning towards domestic abuse," he grunted, sitting back into the couch.

I snorted, "Rabastan would never hit me," I asserted, "no—it was someone with a lot more… persuasion," I watched, but his face remained confused, "You know I'm not the best of people, James," I began quietly, unwillingly, "You just don't know how far it _goes_. There are people who support the dark causes, and then there are people who are active in them."

I swallowed, remembering the intimidating face of my father, "My father was in too deep, James, and I fell into the same hole."

James regarded me coolly, "You… joined… _him_?"

My eyes fell to the floor, "Yes."

Almost as if I disgusted him, James looked away, "You can't tell me that you…_ enjoy it_."

I licked my lips, firmly avoiding Sirius' sharp gaze, "Enjoy it, no. But it's in my blood, James. Once you're in, defiance is punishable by execution."

"So that's it, then?" he cried, outraged, "you just kill Muggles and Muggleborns, and you're just perfectly detached with it? That's revolting, Avalon."

"I've never killed anyone James," I murmured, "and I get you're disgusted with me, but please understand that I have no other choice."

He stood from the couch, and I closed my eyes, "Go to Dumbledore! Tell him, Avalon!" when he grabbed my shoulders, my eyes flashed open and I growled.

"I can't!" I screamed, going back to my original instinct that associating with James was a bad, unwise decision, "_fucking hell_, Potter. Get it through your thick skull, will you? I'm stuck with this position!"

"No, you just rather stay there, because anything else would require you to do the right thing. Anything else would require _risks_. Ones you're not willing to take for the good of everyone else. So just sit there Manx, sit there and watch people _die_ because you're too fucking scared to do anything about it."

He stormed off, nearly trampling a first year to get away from me. I stared after him, distant and unemotional as he described me to be. I would _not_ crash because of James Potter. Vaguely aware that Sirius Black was still sitting about a yard from me, I lowered my head, letting out the breath that I'd been holding in.

"He cares about you, you know."

I laughed humorlessly, "obviously."

"He does," Sirius swore, "only I don't think you care about _him_. Not at all." The certainty in his voice irked me, and I bristled.

I snapped my head up, "What the hell would you know, Black? Are you suddenly an expert on our relationship?"

He smiled irritatingly, "If you cared," he continued, ignoring my last comment, "you'd renounce Voldemort. You'd see all that James wants is his mate back. You'd stop being so bloody selfish, and help stop your _master_."

"Look," I said stridently, "just bugger off, yeah? I'm not in the mood to deal with you, or James, or your bloody _virtue_. I might make you both sick, but you lot make me _nauseous_ with how little you _really_ know."

He stared at me for a long while as I regained my breath, before rising. I thought he was going to beat me to a bloody pulp, judging by the fire burning in his eyes. All he did however was brush by me, stopping when we were shoulder to shoulder.

"Pity," he murmured, blowing his warm, delicious breath into my ear, "that you're wasted on such a lost cause."

* * *

By the next week, I had succeeded in avoiding Rabastan and the Slytherins, only having to deal with them in one class; Advanced Potions. Professor Slughorn was the head of Slytherin house, and coincidentally, the master of the dungeon classroom. Potions turned out to be quite an ordeal. Where Slughorn tried not to show favoritism to his house, it was clear that the Slytherins still outshone the Gryffindors. At least down here, where sunlight was non-existent, and it felt as thought the walls would close in on you at any moment.

It was _in_ Potions, that my first meeting with Rab since the err—_incident_, took place.

"You'll be in groups of three today," Professor Slughorn's loud voice boomed over the bickering students. They were silenced successfully, turning to pay attention to the lesson. My headache from breakfast was passing, and I was finally starting to appreciate the remaining days of the warm season in London.

"Let's see," the professor was a rotund man, and he barely fit through the aisleways as he meandered through our desks, "Potter, Lupin and Meliflua. Meadowes, Nott and Rosier. Black, Lestrange—Rabastan and Manx--,"

Oh yes, could we be anymore clichéd? Could I have had any more bad karma coming my way?

I clenched my jaw, my gaze drifting over to the table that Sirius Black had previously been occupying. His eyes were not on me, but on Rabastan, who was slowly advancing towards my seat.

"Av," he greeted civilly.

I nodded at him, opening my book to the instructed page. Sirius joined us soon after, taking a seat next to me.

Rabastan leaned over the table, "We need to talk."

I snorted, "If you talk to me about anything besides the Draught of Living Death, I _will _hex you, Lestrange."

I heard him growl and his fist came down on the table, startling me, "Settle down _mate_," Sirius threatened offhandedly, lighting a fire beneath our cauldron, "you're scaring the lady."

"Bugger off, Black," Rabastan warned, switching his attention back to me, "Av," he murmured, his tone softer, "let's just talk."

Finally, I let my eyes reach his, and whatever he saw in the depths of my irises, shook him, "We talked enough, I think, Rabastan. I've told you I'm done," a hard ache returned to my chest and I swallowed uneasily, "let it _go_."

He relaxed in his seat, his shoulders dropping, and from the corner of my eye I could see Sirius stop his stirring movement. I turned to him with tears in my eyes, begging him silently not to say a word, "I'll go get the ingredients."

Hopping from my stool, I left the two boys in silence. Rabastan was steadily staring at Sirius, who ignored the Slytherin's gaze, fixing his mystical eyes instead on the contents of our cauldron. Reaching for the sopophorous beans on the top shelf, I teetered a little, and a pale hand came out to grasp my falling glass of beans.

When I turned, Severus Snape offered them to me, keeping his eyes shielded.

"Thank you, Severus," I said lightly, brushing past him to go back to my seat. It was hardly above a whisper, but I heard him mutter a grumbling 'you're welcome'. Rabastan was no where to be found when I returned to the table, and I glanced around the room shyly, not wanting him to see me searching.

"Where's Rabastan?" I asked Sirius, placing the beans and valerian roots before the Black outcast. He grunted something, motioning to the door of the dungeon.

"He left?" I asked quietly, letting my eyes strain themselves into the abandoned darkness outside the door. Sirius looked up at me strangely.

"Why do you _care_?" he asked, "I thought you were through with the bloke?"

I narrowed my eyes, "If it were that easy, I'd be in heaven right now."

"So you love him then?" Sirius asked nonchalantly.

I blew out a large gust of air from my mouth, "I suppose I still do, in some ways. It'll take a little time to get over him."

Sirius chuckled with concealed mirth, "If you love him, whatever he did can't be that bad."

My hair fell into my eyes as I shook my head. A bitter smile curved its way onto my lips, "You wouldn't say that if you knew."

It was strange, the way I could talk about my horrendous brake up with my first love as if it were nothing at all. There was something about the company of Sirius Black that put my body, my mind, at ease, however. Something about him was refreshing. He knew how to listen without passing judgment, that is, unless I had directly hurt James like a few nights before.

"Perhaps you should tell me," he suggested, smiling as he squeezed the juice from the sopophorous bean with a dagger.

I dropped a few roots into the potion, ridding my hands of the residue, and then spread them out on the desk. My fingers were lithe, like spiders, and they curled around the edge of the table.

"Let's just say that Rabastan isn't very good at being brave," I whispered, "he chose power over _us_, and it hurt me in more ways than one."

As he stirred, Sirius swept his black hair from his eyes, "you're good at hiding," he remarked quietly, "very good."

My eyes flashed up to hold his stare, "Mr. Black," I remarked, "I could say the same about you."

He gave a short bark of amusement, "You know nothing of me."

Leaning toward him, I took the wooden spoon from between his fingers, "I know more than you think."

But the truth was that I knew absolutely nothing about the blood traitor other than what I had heard from the mouth of his dark relatives. Relatives, who I had come to learn, were nothing more than gossipers and meddlers. Sirius Black was the most complicated enigma I had met, and I knew _nothing_ of him. All I was certain of was that I _would_ come to know him, if it was the last thing I did.

He was like an irksome mystery, something you _had_ to know all about, but just couldn't find a way to _discover_. Complicated was the understatement of the century.

By the end of class, our potion was almost the color of rain, the natural water color it was supposed to represent. Slughorn clapped his hands excitedly over our cauldron, smiling down at me, his heavy eyes drooping.

"Very well done, Miss Manx, Mr. Black" he congratulated us, "Ten points to Gryffindor for the finest potion."

It was the first time I would lock eyes with her—the fiery little red head that sat at the front of all my classes. There was something fierce about her emerald irises, something competitive. She winked at me, inclining her head a fraction. When her eyes drifted to my partner, almost reluctantly, she smirked.

"Looks like you finally got a fair mark, Black," she sniped, earning a small bout of laughter from her classmates. Sirius puckered his lips, tossing her a kiss.

"All to impress her _highness_," he shot back.

Their playful banter was interrupted by the dismissal from Slughorn. He smiled as we filed past him, and as my fellow house-mates went right, back up to the surface, I followed the Slytherin's to their common room.

Catching up woth Bellatrix, I tugged on the back of her robe. She turned haughtily, her smile widening as she saw it was me.

"Ah, Avalon," she drawled, "what can I do for you?"

"I need to speak to Rodolphus," I told her, "do you know where he is?"

She narrowed her eyes dangerously, "He should be resting," she said quietly, "up in the dorm."

I nodded, "Can you get me into the common room?"

She bit her lip, "It'll cost you."

I quirked my head to the side, "What exactly?"

Bella had always looked positively malicious when she was contemplating, "You'll have to hear Rabastan out."

I groaned, "No, _forget_ it," I snarled, "it's hardly worth it."

She tossed her shoulders, "That's my price."

I stared at her for a moment, to see if she would relent. There would be no way I could listen to Rab, knowing my heart was too fragile still to resist his apology. When she looked stonily back at me, I moaned, turning on my heel.

If she could wait, then so could I.

* * *

Mealtimes were always slightly lonely. I sat by myself at the edge of the Gryffindor table, staring down at my nearly empty plate, always picking, never eating. Sometimes, Remus would join me for a portion of the meal, but James still remained dramatically infuriated by my presence. Walks around the lake were fast becoming habit for me during lunch and dinner.

I hid myself by the shade of the tree, taking in the late afternoon sunshine, wondering if, perhaps, there was some way to get myself out of the mess my life had become. Impossible, right? To want to stop living a life you created for yourself?

Well, it was more than just wanting to stop living the way I did, it was more of a craving to rid myself of any shred of existence that may have had to do with darkness. I'd never turn out a light again, or raise a wand in malice, or even shout a simple hex. I'd give magic up, even, if it meant I could be good, be on the right side of things for once.

"Hullo?"

I let one eye slip open before the other joined it. To my surprise, the red head from my morning Potion's class was standing before me, a kind smile on her face, and a greasy bag held out in front of her.

"I noticed you weren't at dinner," she told me quietly, I almost had to strain to hear her, "well, you never are, are you?"

I raised my eyebrows, not knowing whether to be offended or pleased that someone had taken such dire notice of my absence, "What are you doing out here?"

She looked down at me again, drawing her gaze from the lake, "I thought you might want some company."

I bit down on my lip, "who are you?"

She swallowed, her eyes flicking back to the castle momentarily, "They told me you wouldn't want to associate with me," she sniffed, her chin raising a decimal, "a Muggleborn. I thought I'd come see for myself. I'm Lily, Lily Evans. Pleased to meet you, Avalon."

It seemed everyone around here knew my name before I had even introduced myself to them. Lily had been warned about me, however, and the thought of that alone unnerved me.

"Who told you that?"

She visibly deflated, "Well, my boyfriend. You know James, I'm sure?"

I laughed, my smile, huge as the mirth died down within me, "You're James' girlfriend? Darling, I applaud you," she cracked an uneasy smile as well, still bracing herself for the racist blow that I might have been building up.

"Sit," I patted the grass next me, and the petite beauty sat beside me, crossing her legs, and giving me her rapt attention, "I might not be the best of friend for you, but I hold no prejudices. People are people, and I can see nothing that makes you different from the rest of us," I surveyed her carefully for a moment, "you look smart, Lily, can you tell me something?"

She was hesitant to promise me her service, but in the end, she acquiesced, "I suppose."

"What else did James tell you?"  
She looked away, "You used to be friends, until your father believed James' influence was too great upon you. He sent you to Beauxbatons, and James' parents' sent him to Hogwarts," she looked back at me, her eyes like sharp, green lasers, "he misses who you used to be, and…" her voice dropped into a whisper, "he wishes he could help you get out of the trouble you're in."

I reeled back, wondering immediately how many people James had actually told about my involvement with the Dark Arts. Certainly he wouldn't spread something like that around? No, James had never been a gossip monger, never a follower, always a leader.

"Lily," I told her seriously, "tell James that he and I need to speak. It's vital."

She nodded slowly, "How deep are you?" she breathed, "we _can_ help."

I got to my feet speedily, fear gripping at my insides, "For the final time, _no one_ can help me."

* * *

_And we will send you reeling from decimated dreams  
Your misery and hate will kill us all  
So paint it black and take it back  
Lets shout it loud and clear  
Do you fight it to the end_


	3. F I N I T E

_**W I C K E D **_

_TROIS_

_**F I N I T E**_

* * *

****

James sat down across from me at breakfast, and I nearly choked on my pumpkin juice.

"Merlin, P-Potter," I squeaked, letting the flame in my cheeks die down. I massaged my throat, glaring half-heartedly at him as he smirked.

He rearranged his face—making it so that he came across in a more professional manner, "I want to apologize."

I groaned, "_Now_ you want to apologize."

He leveled me with a stare to match a Basilisk, "Lily told me how you acted towards her," he smirked, "I didn't expect that at _all_."

"I'm not some mindless drone, Potter. I have my limits."

He nodded softly, "She also told me that you wanted to talk…"

This time, I was the one to nod, and I motioned towards the doors at the end of the hall, "Could we?"

James followed me outside, into the warm afternoon. We walked in an awkward silence, an unspoken rant just pleading to come from my lips, "How many?"

He looked confused for a moment, "How many, what?"

I groaned, "How many bloody people have you told, Potter? This isn't some _game_," I all but growled, "how many people know my secret?"

He laughed, "Lily, and the Marauders, of course."

I couldn't help the stupid smile that appeared on my face, "Marauders?"

"Sirius, Remus, Peter and I." He finished, looking more proud than a father in the nursery. I squealed with laughter, mimicking him.

"Oh, Merlin, James," I sighed, "you always knew how to make me laugh."

He crossed his arms over his chest, "It wasn't meant for laughs."

And just as quickly, the smile fell from my face, "Err—oops?"

My first class of the day was Transfiguration, in which I sat next to Remus and in front of Sirius and James. Lily, who my mind now sought out naturally, sat at the head of the class—with a pretty brunette by her side. They went everywhere together; I had come to notice, like best mates should.

"Miss Manx," I looked up into the doll-like eyes of my professor. She stared back down at me, her tiny lips pinched into non-existence, "the answer…?"

I tossed my shoulders, "No idea."

"Ah," her eyes left me, seeking her next victim. Her back had barely turned before a paper hit me square in the back of the head. Beside me, Remus struggled with a coughing fit to hide his laughter—either at the perfect aim of the thrower or my bewildered expression. The offending piece of parchment came to roll onto my desk, and sat there innocently.

I grumbled as I opened it, spreading it out over my notebook.

_I see you've found your bearings. _

My eyes scanned the class, but I already knew who the note was from. Sirius Black and James Potter were the only ones behind me, and behind them, an empty wall. James and I had finished our talk this morning pleasantly, so he had no reason to repeat himself. When my eyes found those intriguing grey orbs of the Black traitor, they twinkled with an emotion I couldn't discern.

_**If I have…**_ I began, fastening my lips between my teeth, _**it has absolutely nothing to do with your…ah… heartfelt words the other night.**_

I waved it away from my paper so that it would appear on whatever piece of parchment he had in front of him. I was a little bit above throwing dangerous projectiles across the room.

_…or so you say, love. _

I growled low in my throat and Remus raised one eyebrow at me, shooting a sideways glance at his mate. When his gaze floated back towards the professor who was interrogating someone in the front of the room, I furiously scribbled a reply.

_**It most certainly doesn't! Look, Black, is there a deeper reason for this nuisance of a note, or do you just enjoy gloating? **_

_I can't say a good gloat isn't beneficial for my ego, but there _is_ another reason._

I waited a fraction of a second before the rest of his babble appeared on my paper.

_There's something you should know. About your lovely boyfriend. _

My back straightened, and I suddenly felt on display for the whole classroom to see the ruby flush of fury pushing its way to the surface of my skin. I hid my face behind a curtain of black waves and placed my quill to the note.

_I'm assuming he's found another victim? No surprise there, Black._

There was no reply for a long while, and I settled back into my chair, or back into my skin, more like. Had Rab really found someone so quickly, so coldly? So much for love, or more accurately, so much for Dark wizards having any heart at all.

"Pair off!"

The sudden bark of the McGonagall professor startled me, and my head jerked up as she swept her robe around her, taking a seat behind her desk.

"Avalon," tearing my eyes from the professor, I was met with Sirius', his face a mask of stone. My brow unconsciously furrowed, and I rose from my bench as the little Marauder, Peter, came to join Remus at our table.

"Pardon," he squeaked, settling his squat little self on my stool.

"Partner?" Sirius more demanded of me than asked really, and I just shrugged, sitting down in James' former position. He'd taken up a more suitable place beside his girlfriend, and her mate was with a Ravenclaw girl we shared class with. Black sat beside me, his body uncomfortably near mine. He seemed to enjoy proximity, or maybe he was just used to sidling up beside the first pretty girl he saw, but he always sat so _close_.

"I have no idea what we're doing," I muttered to him, twirling a strand of hair between my fingers, "so I'm really no use to you right now."

He smirked, a smirk full of hidden contradictions and things he may have had the common sense not to say to me, "It's simple Transfiguration," he drawled, plucking his wand from some unknown pocket inside his robes, "change the mouse into an animal of your choice." With a swish of his wand, he had the mouse transformed into an innocently white rabbit, which was now, cuddling sweetly between my arms. My smile spread slowly, and I glanced up at Sirius to find him watching me, before his eyes flicked down the rabbit in my hands. Gently, he took it from me, and set it back on the desk before us.

"Your turn."

Taking my wand from where I had it tucked into my long sock, I transfigured the animal into a small puppy, his floppy ears much longer than his height. He was brown and white, with the saddest, droopiest eyes I'd ever seen in my life. He yapped, and Sirius stretched out two, weathered fingers to stroke a line down his spine.

"Cute," he remarked, letting the dog lick his chin.

"Very well done Mr. Black, Miss Manx."

I looked up at McGonagall as she appeared beside me, "Thank you."

Her nod was curt, and she shuffled away, muttering over her shoulder, "Ten points to Gryffindor."

-

It was dark, and I was waiting for him.

As I rested against a column in the corridor, looking out over the grounds, and to the lake, I wondered if I was insane. Sirius Black was someone I'd been specifically directed to stay away from at Hogwarts… but then Daddy had told me to stay away from James too. My eyes slid shut, and I relaxed my head against the pillar, sighing softly.

"Manx."

"Tell me I'm absolutely insane," I suddenly whispered, opening my eyes, but not looking at him, "tell me I'm crazy for meeting you, for risking my life just to know what my fucking prick of an ex is up to."

He chuckled, that breathy, husky chuckle that was beginning to drive me crazy, "You are insane, but for thinking that I'm trouble, when the real danger, is you."

My head snapped around, and I gave Sirius Black my sourest smile, "You bastard," I laughed, "how can you possibly call me dangerous when most of the people I associate with either want to kill you or castrate you?"

He leaned on the wall beside me, his mop of hair looking silky in the moonlight. He didn't look at me, but I could still feel his lingering stare. Everything about Sirius was intense, as if magnified a thousand times. His stare, his voice, his presence.

"Don't you think," he whispered, "that being—_what you are_—is a just a mite more dangerous than associating with me?"

"A bit," I answered, my words only an octave louder than a whisper.

"Then why?" he pleaded with me, his eyes begging mine to release that answer that I didn't even know. Why had I chosen, so blindly, to plunge myself into shadow's arms, dirty my soul with blackness that would perpetually stain it? I dropped my gaze to the ground, inhaling softly.

"I thought we were here to talk about Rabastan."

Sirius laughed again, shaking his head in disappointment when I reconnected my stare with his, "Regulus is my brother, as I'm sure you know. He… let's things slip, when we have our rows. For James' sake, Avalon, and… _mine_, you should stay away from the Lestranges."

"Rabastan wouldn't do anything to compromise his soul, Sirius. I know him better than that. He will only go as far as servitude."

"He's a murderer."

I bit out a harsh laugh, _"Hardly_."

Sirius' eyes turned heartbreakingly cold, "Listen to me, damnit!" he whispered heatedly, "He murdered two couples this summer, _two_," he took my shoulders between his large, calloused hands, "that's four people and a _child_ who've lost their lives to your precious _boyfriend_."

Hot, burning tears clouded my vision, and I tried to struggle from Sirius' grasp, "Shut up," I whispered, my voice non-existent, "you don't know what it's like. When Voldemort tells you to do something, you do it!"

"I'd rather die than kill innocent people," Sirius growled, his mouth inches from my own, "and if it were between my death and theirs, I'd chose mine."

"That's why you're on the good side of this war," I murmured, watching closely, with sharp eyes, the way he parted his lips to taste my breath, "that's why you are _you_, Black, because you have the power to break free from dark beliefs like your family's."

"And you're telling me that every Death Eater is so weak as to not be able to do the same?"

"All of those people, _my_ people, _want_ this war. It's only me… only _me_ who wants different, who wants… something better."

He gazed at me hopelessly, "then take it."

"I can't."

"Avalon," he breathed, his sweet aroma swirling around me—redwood—and something else I couldn't identify.

"I can't Sirius, I can't just stop being what I was brought up to be."

His thumb came up, delicately brushing the tears from my face. His smile was sad, "I'd help you."

I placed my hand on his wrist, breathing in deeply, "That means--."

"Well, isn't this rich."

I gasped, my eyes flashing open and jumping to the left side of the hallway. Out of the shadows, Rabastan appeared, his handsome face twisted into a grimace, his forearms bulging from where his shirt sleeves ended, "Avalon, love."

I detached myself from Sirius, and he let me go, making an ugly, threatening noise in the back of his throat. Staring at Rabastan, I knew that I needed to find out for myself if he was really a killer.

"Just Avalon," I told him, "I've already told you."

His face was swept with a crestfallen expression for the tiniest fraction of a second before he took on a peaceful smirk, "Snape told me you were out here, but he failed to mention you had company."

"We were speaking," Sirius interjected, voice gruff.

Rabastan's eyebrows rose, "Oh, I can see perfectly well for myself, Black."

"Stop," I demanded, rolling my eyes, "you have no business seeking me out, in the first place. I can keep company with whoever I please. Rab, what else do you want from me?"

With a quick glare in Sirius' direction, his eyes softened and he took a step forward, "Five minutes."

I looked back at Sirius, something in his eyes giving me the courage to decline, "No," I told him, "I'm done talking, done believing you, I'm just _done_. How many times do you want me to say it?"

The whole situation was awkward, Sirius standing close behind me, his body heat close enough for me to feel. Rabastan standing in front of me, lingering emotion in his eyes, and the charm of his that had melted my heart somewhere in that body. I wanted to reach out and touch him, run my hands over his shoulders, down his back, just one last time. I wanted him to be sweet, and caring, if only for now. I wanted him to have stood up for me that night in the forest.

"You left me on my hands and knees in the dirt, Rab," I whispered, knowing both boys could hear me just fine. Somehow, I couldn't find it in me to care that Sirius would be privy to this, "I was practically begging for you to help me, to say something to… to him, and you just stood there. If it were me," I looked back up at him, seeing that piece of his countenance fall. I had finally gotten through, "If it were me, Rabastan, I would have gladly stepped between you."

"You don't love me," I dropped my hands to my sides, and they swung limply, "I thought you did, but you can't. You don't know how."

Something snapped in him, and I hated being the one to do it to him. His face darkened, significantly, "you'll regret this."

I looked back at Sirius, then quickly returned my gaze to Rab, "Maybe."

He laughed, slow and deadly, and I felt shivers run up and down my spine, "I'll have you, yet, Av. Just watch."

I took the threat in stride, knowing that someday, he'd make good on it, "I guess I'll be waiting then."

"Hmm," he ran his eyes over my body, assessing me in a final manner, before he turned hi stony eyes to Sirius, "Black."

"Lestrange," Sirius responded, and I could hear the smugness in his voice.

I watched him walk away, my heart going with him. I wouldn't love for a while, wouldn't be able to care about someone I thought would just tear apart the pieces of my heart like Rabastan had so intricately done. He didn't even look back at me to climb the staircase, and he seemed virtually unscarred by losing me. Me, on the other hand… I was a mess.

-

It seemed that everyone knew that things between Rab and I were done. Bella no longer spared a cursory glance my way, and Rodolphus only looked at me with pity, with warning. Whatever Rabastan had in mind for revenge must have been bad.

"You look like you've been through a blender," Lily said to me, one morning after my final break up with Rabastan, "hmm, make that a blender in Hell."

I chuckled, moving my eggs around my plate, "I feel that way."

My eyes drifted from our Gryffindor table to the Slytherin one, and darted down again when Rabastan raised his head from his paper, "Break ups, you know."

Lily calculated me, assessing me in every way, shape or form, before responding, "Only this was worse, wasn't it?"

I nodded, shoving my plate away and dropping my head to the table, "Where's your friend?"

"New bloke this month," she laughed, "she's over at the Ravenclaw table."

"Ah," I sighed, "so, you've come to show me some pity again, have you?"

I looked up when she didn't answer, only to find her looking away a frown adorning her pretty features, "Is that what you think this is?"

"What else would it be?" I asked her desperately, wanting to know so badly that it hurt, "You, knowing what I am, and what people like me do?"

Her hair whipped her in the face as she turned towards me, "But you don't do those things."

Her assertiveness, her confidence, was astounding, and I had to laugh, "Merlin and Agrippa, does James tell you _everything_?"

She giggled too, her face cracking into a smile, "I get it out of him." Her eyebrow was cocked, and her grin, mischievous, "But truly, I just want to be your friend, if you'll let me."

"I could use all the mates I can get," I muttered sourly, "I suppose that you'd be above my expectations."

I flashed a winning smile, and she returned it, "Ready for class, then?"

"Err—no, but then," I swept my hair over my shoulder, sighing, "I hardly ever am."

-

The next morning, which would have had to have been a Saturday, dawned earlier than usual. It was either extremely early, or horribly late, when I'd find myself completely alone, wholly isolated from the students that seemed to be constantly appearing at every turn. Just how many little witches and wizards _were_ there at Hogwarts?

I walked slowly to the lake, the sun still rising over the gleaming body of water, casting a strange glow about the horizon. The grass was still chilled, and I took a seat on it, feeling the dew from the previous night tickle at my bare legs. The summers in France were hot and humid, and all I had to wear were shorts and little skirts that I used to find charming. Now, though, looking stylish, worrying about my appearance, was the very least of my problems.

Lying back, I traced the long, vulgar design on my abdomen, feeling the ridges and diamonds of the snake move beneath my fingertips. The serpent was more alive than I, its moans and hissing audible to only my ears, and anyone who cared enough to listen. Rab, I know, could hear its constant protests at my Gryffindor surroundings, because he was in direct service to its lord. But no one pure, no one like James, or Lily… or Sirius, could hear the sullied cries of my little demon.

Looking at the sunrise, now, I wondered if I could watch it one day without the burden of a war on my shoulders. If I could watch it, knowing I was on the right side of the fight. I wondered if I'd ever be free of the pressures of a tyrant, of a dictator who wanted nothing more than to ruin the world, rather than heal it. To sully lives with his wishes of death and destruction, rather than life and prosperity.

Asking myself whether I had the courage, the strength to be rid of the evil, though, was something I couldn't address just yet. I wasn't ready to throw away my life. I was much too selfish, still, to do the right thing.

Just as everyone thought.

"Hey."

I smiled to myself, lazily cracking my eyes open to see who had blocked the sweet, morning sun from me. It was Sirius, of course, as he had an uncanny way of finding me when I wanted him as far as possible. Or perhaps, it was _best_ for him to be far, but that wasn't what I wanted.

"Hey," I whispered, offering him, wordlessly, the space next to me, "how'd you know I was down here?"

He lay down, again, strangely close to me, "I saw you from the owlery."

His voice was gruff, and I loved when it sounded so raw, "Hmm."

I heard him chuckle, but closed my eyes again to force myself from asking him what was so funny, "And what were you doin' up there, Mr. Black, so early in the morning?"

"Why," he paused, making amends to his true intentions, and instantaneously coming up with others, "waiting for you to come down, of course."

I laughed tiredly, imagining now that I should have gotten a tad more sleep, "Why would you wait for me," I joked, "when you were probably up there, sending your fondest to some starry-eyed girl you've got hidden away somewhere?"

There was a moment—where I was almost afraid—that I'd hit the mark dead on, but then his whisper reached my ears, "No girl," he murmured, something in his voice making my eyes seek his, "not lately."

So perfect, he looked as if just touching the intense contours of his face would make him disappear. Though roguish, and gruff, Sirius' beauty was without equal. As handsome as Rabastan and Rodolphus were, they didn't even glisten in the striking allure of the boy before me.

Tearing myself—rather forcefully—from that train of thought, I retreated back to the safer harbors of my mind. Looking up at the sunrise, I sighed, "D'you think… every second could be as lovely as this one?"

His grin was utterly disarming, his sandstone eyes only heightening the effect of his devilish charm, "Changing the subject, are we?" he laughed at my nod, "Hmm, no I don't"

Almost desperately, I asked, "Why not?"

"Every second of our lives is different," he began carefully, "There are some moments when things seem so dire, and some you could lose yourself in. But, none are the same, and so, you'll never feel this wonderful beauty again, never experience this kind of serenity. It lives only here and now."

I was perplexed by his answer, and yet somehow, I knew he made sense. But I wasn't going to admit that. Not to him, "I'll prove you wrong, you know, someday."

Suddenly, unexpectedly, his eyes shone with glimmers of hope, gone in the next instant, "You'll stick around, then?"

Dropping my head, I muttered, "Sirius…"

"Don't," he cut me off warningly, his tone lighter when he continued, "You can't back out on a challenge like that! I know you won't allow it."

I grinned, "I'll stick around for as long as I can. Believe it or not," I chuckled almost mutely, "I like feeling wanted. Safe."

He said nothing, and for once, I heard no hidden message in his silence.

-

_Shards of me,  
Too sharp to put back together.  
Too small to matter,  
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces._

* * *

_I really don't know... when the next update will be. Stick with me though, I might make miracles. Review, please?_


	4. P L U N G E

_**W I C K E D**_

_. Q U A T R E._

_**P L U N G E **_

* * *

The weeks seemed to drag by, marring my life with their slowness. Lily and I spent much more time together, and her supposed best mate continued with the same love interest as before. It seemed almost aggravating to me, how she could drop Lily at the beck and call of her new beau, when they'd be friends for so long. Lily, however, didn't seem much to mind.

I watched, (with guarded eye and even more guarded heart) the daily happenings of Rabastan's life, wondering when he would hold fast to his threat. From an onlooker's perspective, everything seemed calm and normal, almost boring, but beneath the surface, something bad was brewing. I could see it in the eyes of one, Evan Rosier, the very same who used to be my best mate.

So it was only reasonable, I rationalized, that I ambush him after class, and demand any and all answers he had. Why I still cared, however, I had no idea.

I stood next to a suit of armor, positioned beside the dungeon door. Evan had been a diligent pupil of Slughorn, and frequently stayed with him for a few moments after our session of Double Potions.

His footsteps were loud as he climbed the stairs, but lazy, after a long day of classes. All other students were down in the Great Hall, enjoying their suppers. I was too nerve-wracked, and perhaps much too hell-bent on getting what I wanted out of Evan to pay mind to my growing hunger.

"Ev!" I exclaimed in a whisper, once he'd appeared at the door. He flinched at the surprise, but turned a cold glare in my direction once recovered.

"No, Avalon."

I growled as he brushed past me, "Wait a moment you little berk!"

He spun, angered, "Berk? How about _traitor_!? My parents have ordered me not to speak to you, told me your Dad would be ashamed to call you his daughter!"

I marched up to him, pulling on his tie so that he was eye-level with me, "I was never very esteemed to call him kin, either!"

"What do you want Ava?" he asked tiredly, fingers untwining my hands from him, "to give me a piece of your mind? Is that it?"

I shook my head, taking a step back from him, "To talk."

He leaned against the wall, waving his hand carelessly in front of him, "Please, continue."

"Don't be an arse, Evan, we used to be close."

His eyes narrowed, "That was before the Sorting Hat told me who you _really_ were. A _Gryffindor_, no less. You can't imagine the blow."

I clenched my jaw, "I think, since it was my blow to take, I know _exactly_. Is it so bad that I might not be as evil as my father?"

He laughed hopelessly, "Yes."

"Evan," I ground his name between my teeth, "If our friendship is long gone, fine. I'll _deal_ with it. But I need to know what Voldemort is planning. Everyone is on edge, and my mark is _writhing_."

He looked suddenly drawn, white as if I'd sucked all the life from him, "He marked you?"

Nodding, I watched him, "Unconventionally, but yes."

"If it burns, Ava," he whispered, "he wants you."

"Wants me?"

He stepped closer to me, brushing the hair from my eyes, while simultaneously closing his own, "Be careful, Av," he muttered, "but meet him tonight, if your mark burns again. As for what's going on, he's plotting an attack. Something big, very soon."

I sighed as his hands left me, coming to settle deep within the pockets of his uniform. With one, lingering look that felt as if it would leave marks of longing on me, he turned towards the Great Hall, slipping down a secluded hallway. From his actions, I was left both confused and angry. If he still cared for me, evident in the way he treated me so gently towards the end, then why not pay me any attention? Why isolate me, shun me, like everyone else?_ But isn't it obvious? _My mind mocked me. He's doing it _because_ of everyone else.

With a grunt, I tore my eyes from where I had last seen him, and hurried up to Gryffindor tower. There was no one really there, as all my peers were still finishing their dinners. I set all my books on my bed, actually planning on getting some homework done. Only, I hardly had a chance to get started before the pain began.

It tore through me, much as I thought being ripped apart at the seams would feel. I buckled; my knees giving way and planting me face first on the bed. Moaning, I tore haphazardly at my shirt, partially blinded by the excruciating shredding sensation ripping through my lower stomach. Gasping for air that refused to come, I let my eyes drop to the snake slithering on my stomach. It moved, slowly, so as to cause me more agony, I'm sure. I watched it make one rotation around my body, its head then settling back into its previous position below the line of my skirt. I felt like screaming, and nearly died trying to keep them inside. I didn't want anyone to find me here, like this, with a traitorous snake hissing and antagonizing on my belly.

It was just the kind of call to arms that I expected from someone like the foul Tom Riddle. It was his style, his sick and twisted sense of humor, his nasty way of gaining something special from every one else's pain. I fell into a bout of hiccups, sliding off my bed and landing with a dull thud on the carpeted floor. Slowly, almost painfully so, my hurting simmered to a dull throb, and I rose shakily from the floor.

"Bloody bastard," I muttered, finding my wand still tucked into my sock. I was surprised the thing had not yet broken from being stowed in my long, uniform socks for years. Perhaps it was good luck.

It was at least an hour later, when dark settled over the horizon, the last bits of sunlight disappearing behind the trees. I dreaded, honestly, meeting the Dark Lord in the forest tonight. Certainly my call was the most brutal of all others, and I knew it wouldn't be a regular meeting.

I was right, turns out.

It was just Voldemort in the clearing, his thick, winding snake circling a perimeter about the two of us. It was clear to me, the meaning of her presence. If I tried to leave, I'd end up Nagini's plentiful dinner.

"My Lord," I swallowed the bile that built up inside my throat, showing little more fear than a quick shudder.

He was before me in an instant, his long cloak still swishing from his sudden movement. It was true, that Voldemort, Tom Riddle, still held a handsome quality. In youth, he'd been a lovely man, all charm and good-looks. Rab had shown me his pictures a few years previous, when we were both fifteen, and still justifiably innocent. His father and the Dark Lord had been friends in their adolescence, and the photograph was of the two of them.

Where Elthor was large, and intimidating, the young Tom was lithe and lankily built. He had a disarming smile, his eyes glinting red and dangerous. What was it, I wondered, about risky men that I found so appealing?

"Avalon," he purred, a sick smile finding its way onto his face. He slipped his hood from his head, and I caught his hands moving faintly beneath his robes, locating his wand, I imagined. Was one brand that marked me as his, not enough? "Always so lovely, aren't you?"

If he expected me to answer that, he had another thing coming.

"Modest, too?" he said after a moment, "well, you shouldn't be, darling. Even if you _are_ in Gryffindor, it will not do for one of mine to be seen as some shy little mouse," he turned away from me, looking into the distance, into the trees, "Slytherin's are boastful and proud, my dear, you must learn confidence."

I nodded, though he couldn't see me, "Of course."

There were so many things that I wanted to say. _I'm not yours. I'm not a Slytherin._

"I've been calling you, and yet you refuse to heed my beckoning. Why is that?"

In moments, he was turned around again, summoning a twisted, birch chair for him to sit in. He rested his long hands on the arm rests, and gazed steadily at me, his lids hooded.

I swallowed, "I wasn't sure… I didn't know what the burning was. I asked Evan and he… explained."

"You certainly got the message today, then, did you not? I hope I did not cause you too much discomfort?"

_Discomfort? More like agony, you sick bastard_. "Nothing intolerable."

He laughed, the sound sending shivers to erupt all over my skin, "How noble of you, Avalon. I see you have no problem with a little torture. That is good."

I kept silent, wondering if he brought me here just to intimidate me, or if there was some deeper, darker purpose to our meeting. For a few minutes, he just stared at me, his eyes wandering in a vile way about me. I felt exposed beneath those eyes of his; with every shift of the moon they shone red.

"I've heard some news, Avalon," he said at last, and I cringed at the tone of his voice. It was both angered and placid— a strange combination, "that you've been," hesitation for the slightest of moments, "_associating_ with blood traitors, the Mudbloods even. It angers me, Ava, that you disregard me so. Have you no respect for our cause?"

I swallowed, my thoughts going immediately to the innocent Lily Evans. To James, my once best friend. Even to Sirius, who, with a jolt in my heart, was maybe the one I most worried for. Would he take his revenge out on me completely, or would he save some of his merciless wrath for them? He was so known for taking his retribution on the innocent just to punish those in his favor. _A lesson_, I'd heard him say time and time again, _so that it will never happen again. _

"Or is it that you wish for something else?" he murmured suddenly, startling me from our mutual silence, "A sort of freedom from me, perhaps?"

There was a pause, and I knew, could feel the power he unleashed as he delved into my mind. I crumpled at the pain of his invasion, saw visions from my weeks at Hogwarts flash behind my closed lids. Was this the unmistakable Legilimency that I had heard so much about? The one only select wizards could conquer?

I took a deep breath as my memories once again retreated to the back of my mind, dreading what Voldemort would say now. Now that he had seen what I so longed for, that what I truly wanted was exactly what he had guessed.

"So it is," he hissed maliciously, coming to stand right at my hands. I clutched the dirt beneath my fingers, staring only at the hem of his robes, "you no longer wish for the purity we all long for, is that it, Avalon? You want, instead, to stain the blood of the noble with waste like Sirius Black?"

In my moment of hesitation, I though of nothing but the truth. It slipped from me, like a caged bird finally encountering freedom.

"Yes, Merlin _yes_," I sobbed, knowing now that he would never release me from his hold. I'd be dead tonight, because the Dark Lord never left survivors who didn't succumb to his will. There were no exceptions when it came to defiance.

I was doing what James and Sirius had encouraged of me these last weeks, and in all honesty it felt wonderful. Invigorating. It tasted like freedom I'd never see.

"I'm done with being your lackey," I spat, giving a gasp as he dragged me up by my arms, "finished with playing your puppet, and being ignorant to the devastation you cause!" His hold on my arms was deadly, squeezing the life from me with every pulse of his fingers.

"You would die for them?" he whispered to me, his breath so close to my face that it reeked of spilled blood, "die for these people who should not exist in the first place?"

I tore my face away from his, tears springing up to my eyes, "I'll die for everyone who does not deserve your wand at their throat," I responded in a murmur, "for everyone you'll kill in the name of purity."

"_You_ will die in the name of purity Avalon!" he shouted, jerking me roughly back to face him. My eyes were clear with insolence, and I stared straight into his, "how does it feel to know no one will mourn your loss?"

Though the words cut deeper than he could know, I didn't waver, didn't cower for forgiveness at his feet like I so many I knew would have done. Something flickered in his eyes as he gazed into mine, and the threat of death was replaced with one far more terrifying.

"Or shall I kill them all, right in front of you? Watch as you beg me to stop the torture?" he laughed, thriving in whatever fear he found in my eyes.

"No," I breathed, feeling my resistance fold, "please."

"_Please?"_ he mocked, loosening his grasp on my arm, "if I let them live… you _will _serve me."

It was demand he knew I would not refute. I'd grown too exposed to the virtue of the innocent, too sentimental towards those who this dark master so loathed. He knew I wouldn't turn down his offer. For him, it was more than generous, it was miraculous.

"Anything," I sobbed, hating myself for my weakness, "anything."

"You will continue to befriend the impure. You will not tell them anything of our cause, and you will be loyal to me, Avalon, or the warning of their death and yours will be renewed."

I couldn't speak, could only nod in quiet, watching as he released me, pushing me roughly back onto the undergrowth, "You will not meet me again for a long while. I will send instruction through the others of what is expected of you. Do you understand?"

"I understand," I intoned, a lack of feeling in my voice.

His smirk, that smirk that clearly spelled trouble, was just for me tonight, "For good measure, though, love."

"_Crucio_."

--

I woke up, alone and at the edge of the forest. My clothes were bloodied, my hair caked with sweat, and my cheeks still sticky from the tears I'd shed last night. The torture had gone on for hours, until more and more cloaked figures joined us. I wasn't included in the later meeting, knowing I was no longer a part of his closest subordinates.

I tried to lift myself from the brush, my arms quaking at the effort. It was freezing, the early morning chill sweeping through my body.

"I dunno… I'm pretty scratched up."

I heard the voices before I saw the boys. There were three, emerging a little ways down the edge of the forest's border. They were slightly less battered than myself, but all three managed to stand. Remus was the only one missing from their foursome, and I remembered the full moon last night. The werewolf would not be back in commission today.

Half of me wanted to call out to them, and half wanted them to just leave me here to rot. If I died here, battling between being noble and being selfish, then I would put everyone out of their misery. Voldemort could not kill me, and he would have no revenge to take.

"He nicked my back pretty badly," I heard Sirius mutter, his husky voice even thicker from the nights events. What were they doing, those fools, with a full grown werewolf?

Closing my eyes, I couldn't even find my voice with which to speak. I didn't even remember, really, how I'd gotten in to this state. Forcing all my strength to my arms, I lifted myself onto them, my hair creating a dark curtain between myself and my line of vision as my head flopped uselessly to my chest.

"James," I croaked, my breathy laugh a mockery to my weakness. He had not heard me, and they were getting farther and farther away, "James!"

One turned, the smallest, and I barely saw him notify the other two before my body fell back to the earth. Shuddering, I felt another blast of chill as footsteps echoed on the ground.

_Thank Merlin_, I vowed silently, my eyes finding James' above my head.

"Avalon," he breathed, "Merlin, you're…"

"James," my lips parted, and I felt nauseated as blood seeped from between them, "I feel like Hell."

He crouched down beside me, Sirius joining him when he'd reached us. He looked down at me, both in sadness and anger. Did his heart jump too, at the sight of me? Or was it only a symptom of delirium from my beating?

"Black," I chuckled, everything hurting as I did so, "_Sirius_."

"I think she's gone nutters," Peter whispered unsuccessfully, peering down at me through calculating eyes, "absolutely off her rocker."

"Shut it," James snapped, taking my hand into his, "Who did this to you?"

"Can't we make me better first?" I asked, my voice dry and caked with blood, "I'll explain. Promise."

"Let's take her to the dorm. Poppy asks too many questions," Sirius ordered, his fingers brushing the hair away that was sticking to my face. He looked away once he'd revealed my throbbing black eye, something flashing in his eyes that was all too familiar.

"I'll get Lily," James offered, "she knows more about this healing crap than any of us."

Sirius smiled at me half-heartedly as he bent to pick me up. He winced, "Isn't your back…?" I began, only to have him cut me off.

"'s fine," he said, pushing my head to rest on his chest, "you're not heavy."

I let my eyes slip shut, every sway and bump of the walk hurting somewhere, "Well aren't you my Knight in Shining Armor?"

I felt, briefly, and for the most heavenly of seconds, his lips brush against my forehead, "that's me."

We made it the rest of the way to Gryffindor tower without trouble from a teacher or passing student. It was much too early, I guessed, for anyone to be awake but the poor idiots who chose to wander the forest at night.

The next thing I knew, I was being deposited on a warm bed, my head falling back into a plush pillow. Sirius, with hands too gentle for his nature, traced the bruised contours of my face, still looking down at me with a mixture of emotions. Peter was standing by the door, and opened it quickly when James and Lily appeared there, the latter looking much bedraggled. She was putting her hair up into a tight bun, her eyes still half-closed. Peter slammed the door behind them, and she turned to give him a tight glare.

"What is going _on_?" she demanded of her boyfriend, "it's 5:30 in the morning, for Merlin's sake!"

James wordlessly pointed to me on Sirius' bed and Lily's eyes found mine across the room. She gasped, coming to lean over me, pushing Sirius away from the bed.

"Oh no…" she muttered, "what's happened?"

"A bit of a fall," I said, exhausted now, "nothing too crippling."

Sirius chuckled bitterly, "You couldn't stand when we found you."

"… shuddup."

Lily huffed, pulling her wand from her robes and aiming it at me. I pulled my head back, my half- dazed state of mind returning to full somberness, "Er—be gentle Lily." Her eyes rolled before she started muttering incantations, charms, spells of all sorts. I felt the swelling in my face and arms go down, the blood being swept clean by her magic. Every bone no longer felt shattered, my eyes could open fully and of their own accord.

I felt better than I had even before the thrashing.

She looked down at me when she was done, smiling, "Good as new," she whispered.

"Oh, Lil," I sighed tiredly, "thanks."

She conjured a glass of water and I drank from it greedily, passing it back to her when I was through.

"Alright, then," I muttered, looking around at the boys, "thank you for, you know, saving my life and all, but I really must get going."

"No chance," James cut me off strongly, "sit your skinny arse down and tell me what happened."

"James," I growled, my personality coming back in full swing, "I can't tell you."

"You _promised_," he whined, slightly deflated.

"Because I thought you were going to leave me at the edge of the bloody forest!" I snapped, sliding off the bed, "look, it's better this way…"

"Better?" Sirius snarled from behind me, and I spun to look at him, "better for whom? The fucking bastard who put you in such a right state?" the sarcasm in his voice was thick, and I narrowed my eyes.

"No," I said quietly, dangerously, "better for _you_. And for me. This is more complicated than you could know, and you all know too much already. If you could just…" I sealed my eyes shut, trying to breathe through my nostrils, "just _forget_ tonight happened. I'm almost positive you'll find out for yourself in time, but my silence is _vital_ now. I couldn't say anything… even if I wanted to."

I let my eyes travel gradually to James, who was watching me in a state of confusion. He understood, and yet he didn't, his face both shocked and appalled, "If you were in trouble," he began, pleading with me, "You'd tell me, wouldn't you?"

"James," I sighed, a smile lighting my lips, "I'm sorry."

I bit my lip, turning to Peter who was standing in front of the door as if to barricade it. He moved once he saw the cold pain in my eyes, moving to stand behind Sirius. I couldn't look at the Black traitor, couldn't spare him a glance in fear that he'd hear my heart falling into the pits of my stomach.

I took the stairs to the common room slowly, breaking into a run once I'd reached the hall. I'd almost lost James tonight, for the second time, all because of something I'd so callously agreed to be a part of. Had I never met Rabastan, had my mother lived, had my father had a kinder heart, I'd have never had the sick pleasure of meeting the man that put the wizarding world into such a state of terror.

Though unjustifiable, I felt disconnected from everything at that moment, wanting nothing more than someone who understood. The hallways were empty, the classrooms equally as vacant. No where was good enough for me to go, and I certainly wouldn't put this all on Sirius. He may have listened, may have cared, but he would never, ever understand. It was that feeling of needing to be wanted that led me down, deeper and deeper into the castle. In the dark, dank hallways of the dungeons, I felt more at peace, more at home in the shadows than I did upstairs, where the feeling of betrayal and fresh lies was blinding.

I found Rabastan near the dungeons. Unconsciously, I'd been seeking him out, wanting so badly to be close to someone. He knew me best of all, and perhaps knew nothing of me at the same time. He stared as I neared him, having just come from practice it seemed. Where he found the time to be a minion and beat a bludger, I would never know. A thin streak of blood ran from his temple to his jaw, a towel was draped over his shoulder, and he stood with an air of arrogance.

"You're looking better," he sniped—though it was not an insult with any feeling behind it—"how…?"

"A _Mudblood,"_ I spit the word at him, "much better at magic than you or I."

"Doubtful," he whispered as I got as close to him as space would allow. Our noses were nearly touching, and I missed the familiar scent of Rabastan, the beautiful way his eyes bore into mine, the sweet taste of his lips. What in hell was I doing?

"Is it wrong," I breathed, "that I want you still? After everything that's happened since I came here."

_Of course_ it was wrong, because I truly _didn't_ want him. I wanted someone else, someone I couldn't have. However, and it was a very significant however, if I had to choose between betraying Sirius Black, feeding him to the Dark Lord, and distracting myself with Rabastan, I would gladly chose the latter.

He pressed his forehead against mine, the forgotten towel slipping to the floor as his hands came possessively around my back, "I can't start this with you again, Avalon. It'd be bad for the both of us."

"I thought you liked things better that way?"

He growled, the hands on my waist tightening their hold in a painfully erotic way, "You know I do… but my father, and the Dark Lord…"

"… has me on a mission, so I can be back in his good graces. Last night," I sighed, rushing through my lies, "last night I was punished, but no more. I just want you back, Rabastan. Don't you love me?"

It was a tricky card to play, because Rabastan did not know the meaning of love.

"More than ever," he breathed, running his pianist's fingers up my back, to tangle in my hair. He bent his head, pressing his nose to my neck, "It's hard to resist you now."

I shuddered as he kissed the point where my pulse was beating erratically. My nails dug into his shoulder blades as he moved lower, stilling at the buttons of my soiled oxford.

"Hmm," he muttered playfully, "come with me?"

My stomach clenched, painfully, as I said yes. He led us through a labyrinth of halls that I had never been down before, stopping at a door labeled 'Prefects Bath'.

"You're no prefect," I said curiously as he muttered the password 'Hornless', and led us inside the dark bathroom. There were knobs and faucets of gold and brass in the tub that took up most of the bathroom. Rabastan wasted no time in pinning me to the wall.

With hurried, experienced fingers, Rab undid the buttons of my shirt, slipping his fingers between the valley of my breasts. His fingers were cold, and I imagined Sirius' warm touch this morning, how gently he treated me, how intimately he looked at me even though there was nothing yet between us.

I realized my mistake as my shirt fluttered to the floor. I couldn't replace Sirius Black with Rabastan Lestrange. I couldn't corrupt myself with this dark wizard, while Sirius was who I truly longed for.

"Stop," I muttered, "Rab, wait."

He pulled away from the sensual torture he was wreaking on my neck and chest, his lips swollen, his hair still mussed. I looked into his eyes, and immediately he knew.

"I thought I wanted this," I whispered, slightly remorseful even though Rab didn't deserve my regrets, "but I can't… I don't."

Slamming his hand into the wall next to me, he gripped my face tightly with the other hand. His kiss was both fierce and longing, and I let his lips have their way with mine. It was our goodbye, and I couldn't say I didn't enjoy it. With a vicious intent, he ripped his mouth from mine almost as if it caused him physical harm to do so.

"I missed your touch," he said, and then was gone, disappearing out the door, his footsteps hollow as he made his way back to Slytherin House. I let the breath slip from me as I leaned back against the wall, following him a short minute after.

There was something I had to do.

* * *

_Let me save us  
I've slaughtered us, I've murdered our love  
I can taste it, this blood in my mouth  
This knife in my lungs  
have I murdered our love?  
have I murdered our love?_

* * *

_review. _


	5. P U S H

**W I C K E D **

_C I N Q_

**.P U S H. **

* * *

I could hardly breathe when I reached the common room, expecting not to have to rush up to the dorms. I knew the exact place where he would be sitting, looking at the fireplace as if the flames had done something to personally offend him. His hair would reflect the firelight, making it look a dull granite instead of the deadly obsidian it truly was. His eyes would also dance with orange and yellow, the fire showing what he would never, himself, willingly portray—sadness.

He did not disappoint.

"Sirius," I breathed, leaning, quite out of breath on the threshold to the common room. My body slumped forward, and I grabbed a nearby armchair for support. Hardly anyone but he or I were up this early—late—whatever it was, leaving the common room deserted. Slowly, as if he could hardly believe he was hearing my voice, he turned to me.

Suddenly, I found myself very much out of words. As much as I had thought of them on my run back from the dungeons, none came to me now; my mind was a complete blank.

"Avalon," he said, perplexed, "where've you been?"

Sighing, I made my way over to him, sitting carefully on his right. His other arm was resting against the arm of the couch, his hand supporting the weight of his head. I crossed my legs in front of me, letting my gaze drift to him. He seemed to understand my need for momentary silence, for he did not speak.

"Voldemort is a strange and twisted leader," I whispered, losing myself in the flames as they licked gently at the grate, "he feels no remorse for his injustices, and pities no one, not even those who follow him. Last night he knew everything, and I didn't even have to tell him. He knew about Lily, about James, about my kindness towards those of lesser blood. He knew about _you_.

"I thought I didn't need you, Sirius, to feel… is good the word? I don't know, maybe that's too gentle a sentiment." I shook my head slowly, keeping my eyes to the fire. I couldn't look at him, not while I told him everything, "I thought I could protect you by staying away, by making it look like I wasn't interested in being with _you, _but Rabastan. But The Dark Lord is no idiot, and as much as I'd love to save you, he'd see right through my ruse. He knows… _everything_ I feel for you, he felt it himself tonight. I want you as far from me as possible, and yet, I can't help but be so close, Sirius."

Carefully, fearing everything and anything that his face would portray, I looked back to him. There was coldness splayed across his features, his eyes were dripping with malice.

"He did that to you?" he hissed, standing from the couch. His arms were shaking with rage, "because of _me_, because of us?"

Shocked, I denied it, "No, no, Sirius, because of _me_, because I was a fool to get so involved! Don't you see? I'm meant to be on his side or no side at all! I don't even deserve to _think _about caring for you." I had never been one to cry, but around Sirius Black I was a completely different person, a completely different soul. One that had potential, one that held a frightening sense of compassion for him.

"You're right," he breathed, "you are a fool."

He shook his head, and for a moment, my heart sunk. This was rejection; this was the point in time everyone feared, man or woman, to be rejected by those they cared for most. Could it be possible for my heart to break any further?

But before I could think, before I could fall to my knees, before I could do anything in any semblance of rationality, he was kissing me.

His lips, as I had always imagined them to be, were soft, his touch missing any shred of decency, of tenderness. He was embracing me with abandon, pure, raw emotion fueling his actions. Had he wanted to be as close to me as I wanted to be to him? Was he kissing me just because I'd poured out my feelings all over the common room floor? Or was he doing it because he felt something too, because he just… wanted to?

"Avalon," he whispered, his lips breaking away from my unresponsive ones, "for Merlin's sake, stop thinking."

A smile touched my lips, and I carefully traced his jaw, memorizing every dip and contour, feeling the slow pulse of his chin beneath my fingernails. He was more beautiful now than he ever would be again, more genuine, more loving, than he would be for the rest of our lives. I cherished that moment.

Taking his face between my hands, I leaned close, our breaths mingling by our proximity.

"Tell me you feel something," I hummed, the vibration of my lips echoing onto his, "before I risk _both_ our lives."

Shaking his head, he leaned his forehead to mine, "I feel more than something with you," he told me, "I feel everything."

I pressed my lips to his, our mouths meshing in an erotic dance. I felt his body dip, and then his hands around my thighs, lifting my body onto his. Shamelessly, we fell together onto the couch, Sirius' body creating a maddening friction between my legs as he settled there. Neither of us were ones for taking our time, and so his hands moved up my sides, caressing for the briefest of seconds, my heaving breasts. Our lips were still fighting furiously for control of one another's, but none of us was going to win.

"We can't do this here," reluctantly, I pulled away, laughing at the disappointment in his voice, "people will be getting up soon." One of his hands was still far up my shirt, and he pulled it away slowly, the reality that he had interrupted our first kiss crashing down on me. I scowled, rolling my eyes and letting my head fall back to the small pillow behind me. His head, likewise, fell to my chest, and his exhausted eyes finally closed. My breathing hardly made his head rise, but he seemed to enjoy listening to my heartbeat.

"I never thought I'd be here," he murmured, lips disturbing the fold of my (still torn) oxford shirt.

"Here with me?" I asked, feeling the night's events claiming my coherency. We both had yet to sleep, and the fatigue was taking its toll.

"Yes."

As my eyes slid shut, my brows pulled together, "Why?"

"You seemed so resilient at first, so tough," he laughed, "and then I thought you and Rabastan were a match made by someone much higher up your family tree--."

"I broke that," I whispered, "my father would hate me."

Sirius allowed the interruption, continuing as if I had not spoken, "The first time I saw you, in that pub, I thought you were gorgeous, and I couldn't stop asking James about you, after then. He was angry at me for taking interest; you're like a little sister to him."

"But he knew I was with Rabastan…"

Sirius chuckled, lifting his head to look up at me, "He also knew that I usually got what I wanted."

My smile was wicked, and with gentle fingers, I caressed his lips, "Do you now?"

"Yes," he conceded, not happily, "but with you it was different. There were so many obstacles, and so I never thought I'd even get this close to you."

"How horrible of you to give up so quickly," I admonished with a breathy chuckle, my voice hardly audible, "I'd expect better of you Mr. Black."

He hummed his response, and I could tell he was exhausted as well. Both of us had spent the night away from the castle, restless and fighting for lives that were not our own. Where Sirius had been fighting to keep Remus contained, sane, I had been fighting for him.

We fell asleep, time elusive to us as we drifted.

* * *

"Well, looky here, Lily, a couple of slackers who've missed all their classes."

I rolled my eyes open, seeing James above me, Lily beside him, smirking. Lazily, I gave them both the finger. "Shuddup."

James ignored me, looking instead at his best mate who was still sleeping comfortably on my chest. His eyes narrowed, and in a swift motion, Sirius was on the floor, groaning. I sat up quickly, glaring up at James, "What the ruddy hell are you doing?"

"You've been sleeping all day," he shrugged, "and I didn't much appreciate you position," he rounded on Sirius who was sitting up now, massaging his head, "what did I tell you, Padfoot? Avalon is…"

"A big girl," I growled, cutting him off, "able to make her own decisions. Finish your sentence, James, so I can justify your imminent castration."

He scoffed, "A big girl who makes horrible decisions!"

"Wha'?" Sirius shouted angrily, rising to his feet, "how am I a bad decision?"

James laughed without mirth, "You're only one of many," turning back to me he snarled, "_what_ are you thinking?"

"Oh, you know," I waved my hand in the air, my tone heavy with sarcasm, "maybe I'll just be his latest conquest, have a good shag every now and again. _Then_, I'll try to convert him to the dark side, maybe get a tattoo of his name on my arse…" I narrowed my eyes, "Obviously that's what you're expecting."

"Sirius is not a _boyfriend_, Av," he told me seriously, missing Black's enraged face, "I've been privy to his _'conquests'_ much more than once. He's not good for you."

Sirius stepped up to James, getting right in his face, James not backing down, "Stay out of this, James, she's _not_ yours to protect."

"Oi," Lily cut in angrily, "you're acting like a bunch of cavemen! James… be reasonable. They care for each other."

Angrily, he spun towards his girlfriend, and I knew how he felt now—betrayed. Lily was on his side… and now she wasn't. What was going through his mind? _What has the world come to?_

I'd been there.

And yet I couldn't find it in myself to comfort him, to run after him as he stomped away, out the portrait hole and into the darkness of the halls. I couldn't suck up my pride as Lily did seconds later, shouting his name and following his footsteps. I wasn't that sickly sweet, not yet.

My eyes found Sirius', and we both just stared at the other. I took in his ruffled shirt, pulled completely from his pants that hung dangerously low on his hips. I took in his deliciously messy hair, and that disarming grin.

_Oh, Sirius, what you do to me. _

The corner of his mouth quirked up further and he shrugged, "Breakfast? I'm bloody starved."

I laughed, the tension slipping easily from my shoulders, "I've ruined James," I huffed, "I mean… you and James."

He shook his head, stuffing his hands into his pockets, "Not even close, love. James and I… we fight. It happens. But we never _hate_, do you know what I mean? It won't last long."

For a second, I wanted to reply, to tell him he was wrong, but what did I know? I was estranged from James a long time ago, pulled out of his world. Who was I to say he would hold a grudge?

Smiling, I looked down at myself—and grimaced, "I'm in desperate need of a shower," my gaze shot to the stairs, "I'll meet you down here in fifteen?"

* * *

I suddenly froze outside the Great Hall, and Sirius took a step forward, my dead hand halting him in his tracks. He turned to look at me, his fingers squeezing mine between his own.

"Are you sure?" I whispered, "Are you sure you're ready to let them see us? You will be in danger from here on out if you are, Sirius, I can promise you that. Remember,_ he_ wants this to happen; _he_ wants me to be close to you. "

His mouth formed a hard line, "But you're not doing this for him. You're not playing his game."

A couple of fifth years passed us, whispering and laughing as Sirius pulled me close into his arms, his hands grasping at my small waist.

"No," I whispered vehemently, "no, I'm not."

"Good," he murmured back, kissing my forehead. I tilted my chin, reaching for his lips. They touched mine gently, before I jutted to my tiptoes, wrapping my arms around his neck and smiling into our kiss.

"Let's go," he stepped away from me, holding my hand firmly in his. I followed him, a little tense, a little self-conscious as we stepped through the doors. It felt like everyone's eyes were on us, but it was only one table, a few pairs of hard, cold orbs, a few frowns that I noticed. No one else cared enough to look.

Rabastan sat in the middle of the Death Eaters, staring, shaking. He was more than furious; he was blinded by a white hot rage. His fists clenched, he stood, he _growled_, until Rodolphus pulled him back down. And not once did my eyes leave his. I tried to say sorry through them, but my apologies didn't reach him.

I was jerked from my stare when Sirius pulled me down on the bench beside him, giving me a vague look before joining in the breakfast conversation with Remus and Peter. Lily and James were naught to be seen, but I could hardly concentrate. I wasn't _in_ my self, but somewhere, worrying in a world all my own. I couldn't stop the anxiety, couldn't stop the guilt. It was one thing to go down, but to drag Sirius with me? Another sin entirely. How black was my soul now?

"… and he just storms out, the bloody git, as if he was the one who was being thoroughly insulted."

I looked back at Remus, watching him look pensive over this morning's events. His eyes shot to me when Sirius was flashed his attentions to Peter, and they saw right through me.

"Hullo," he murmured, "Y'alright?"

"I'm fine," I said tiredly, picking up Sirius' unused fork and twirling it between my fingers, "just wondering when James will come around."

"Soon, I expect," he furrowed his brow, "He and Sirius have this disgusting way about them. They never go to bed angry."

"Shut up, Moony," Sirius pointed his knife at Remus, and then plucked his fork from my reach, "it's not like Prongs and I are married."

"Hmm," Remus chuckled, "I believe that you could pass as a couple every once in a while; finishing each other's sentences, doing homework together. It's rather cute, really."

Despite myself, I had to laugh, and Sirius' frown increased, "Who does homework anymore, Moony, honestly…"

I leaned closer to him, my chin resting on his shoulder, "Nice way to change the subject."

Suddenly, he turned toward me, lips brushing mine in a gentle caress—and all we heard next was a loud, clattering bang from the other side of the hall. Rabastan was making his angry way towards the doors, and my stomach dropped into my arse. It was a horrible feeling, really.

"Don't worry," Sirius soothed, restraining me as I made a move to go after him, "He's a big boy, you're not meant to comfort him anymore."

And sure enough, it wasn't me to leave the Great Hall after him, it was Rodolphus. But I couldn't just sit there.

"I'm gone to the loo," I told Sirius quietly, nuzzling my nose to below his ear, "be back in a moment."

He caught my arm as I rose to leave, "Don't go after him, Av."

Smiling prettily, I ruffled his hair, "I'm not."

He didn't believe me. I wouldn't believe myself either.

But he let me go.

* * *

I found them both sitting outside the doors, Rodolphus shouting angry insults at his brother, Rab just sitting there, taking them.

"Obviously she's over you," Rodolphus growled, "it's been months, Rab, go shag something already."

"Rodolphus," I called out tentatively, watching his face melt into one of anger, "can I have a moment?"

"Oh," he sneered, "_right_, just come shatter him summore. That's exactly what I need; to pick up the pieces _again_." He sped away from his brother, his hand deathly cold on my shoulder as he stilled next to my person, "He'll kill Sirius, you know, when Voldemort finally decides to unmask himself? He'll love it. He'll do it for _you_. How could you want that?"

_I don't_. I wanted to say, but the words were stuck in my throat.

"Rab," I cooed, standing in front of him. His eyes were hard, angry, and his fury frightened me.

"Last night was wrong," I began, not able to find the right words but plowing through the wrong ones, "I shouldn't have come to you, but you know why I did. I was scared for them, scared for Sirius. The Dark Lord wants them all, and I just wanted to protect them. If I was with you, he would have no way to get to them, can't you see?"

There was no response, only the shifting of his eyes to meet mine, "I loved you once," I whispered, "I did. But that's over now. I'm with Black, I'm_ happy_ with him. Can't you accept it?"

He rose to his feet, and I stood my ground, feeling his hot breath on my face as he towered above me. I didn't want to look into his eyes, for fear of the emptiness I would find there.

"_No_," he hissed virulently.

And then he was gone, sweeping back into the school, his otherworldly grace a sight to behold. Biting my lip, I recognized my failure. It wasn't only _Lord_ _Voldemort_ after Sirius and James now, it was Rabastan, all of Slytherin maybe.

I wasn't sure whose wrath would be the most incensed.

What I _was_ sure of, however, was that it couldn't have been more my fault if I tried.

* * *

The library was quiet, the only noise that of Sirius' breathing and my quiet, nearly silent humming. We were studying together, though I had hardly read past the first line of Chapter Twenty Eight in my Charms textbook. Sirius' dark, smoldering eyes were on me, and I could only smile.

"Why are we here?" he asked all of a sudden, "I mean, you haven't turned the page once in this forsaken hour. I know you aren't really reading."  
"It's kind of hard to read when you're burning a hole through my head with your eyes."

He scoffed, reaching across the table to pluck the book from my hands. He tossed it down the table, and I stared after it with an odd sense of detachment as it slid.

"Come on."

"Come _on_?" I mimicked incredulously, "come on where? I'm _studying_, Black."

He gave me a sardonic smile as he took my hand, lifting me from my seat. I met him at the end of my table where he took my hand again. Dragging me along, Sirius did not stop or even slow until we got to the third floor—an abandoned corridor.

"If you think I'm going to be romanticized…"

"No," he pressed a finger to my lips, his eyes shifting to look at the bare wall beside us. For a moment he simply stared at it, before smiling. I turned my own gaze to the wall, to find not a wall at all, but a door.

"What…?" I whispered, touching to intricate mastery of the door.

"Room of Requirement. And I just so happen to require a little alone time with my beautiful girlfriend," he laughed at my look of disbelief, dragging me into the room with a devilish grin. The space was small, but large enough that I didn't feel smothered by Sirius' constant need for proximity. There was a bed—_of course there was a bed_—a red duvet lay over it, inviting and warm, the color of passion. A black couch rested lazily in front of the growing fire in the grate, and the rug beneath my feet was soft, but short. If the rug had been furry and orange, I would have to second guess Sirius' class.

"Like it?" I hadn't even noticed him move behind me, but I certainly felt his hot breath on my neck, the shivers it extracted from me, "I bring all my dates here."

I scowled dryly, "what a charmer you are. _Truly_."

"I'm kidding," he smiled, sliding his hands painfully slow around my waist, so that they rested indecently low on my hip bones. My lip slipped between my teeth, and my heart beat a little faster at his rough, loving touch.

"Avalon," he whispered, and somehow, not being able to see him, made me want him all the stronger. One of his hands left the warm handles of my hips, sliding upwards, undoing the buttons of my uniform blouse on its way to my bra. I let my head loll back onto his shoulder as he caressed the small mounds of my breasts, traced softly the crescent edge of my bra. Other fingers slowly crept down my thigh until they reached the hem of my skirt, the calloused and the experienced hands of Sirius Black learned the gentle contours of my flesh.

I hadn't ever felt more like a traitor than I did in that moment. It wasn't the way Sirius held me, so _intimately_, or the way I whispered his name, with him imitating me, replacing his title with my own. It wasn't the gripping thrill that went through my body as he slid the sleeves of my shirt down my arms, or the way that my lingerie followed them without a sound. It wasn't the crimson blush that spread down my neck, onto my chest as he unabashedly gazed at me, as if I were a sculpture of beauty. It was simply that I loved it, every moment, every whispered nothing in my ear, every murmured promise that I knew he wouldn't, _couldn't_ keep. It was only that I wanted more, that I took no shame in being cherished by the enemy.

And for once, I couldn't find it in me to care.

I'd never met such hands, fingers that could work wonders on my skin as Sirius' did. He lay me down, as if I were made of porcelain, on the bed sheets of scarlet. My naked chest met his, clothed, the fabric of his uniform creating uncomfortable friction against the fragile skin of my breasts. I swept it off him, depositing it somewhere next to the bed in indifference.

Our eyes were locked in a serene battle, for what, I wasn't sure.

"I don't want this to go too far," he said quietly, saying the words as if he already resented them, "I kind of… want to wait. I've never been very virtuous, I'll admit, but…" he looked at me with hopeless eyes, and somehow, through the fog of anticipation, I understood. He wanted to wait… to see if this would last. To see, perhaps, the same thing I was dreading. To see if we fell in love.

I smiled up at him slyly, fingering just inside the waist of his trousers, "Are you sure?" I tried to make my voice steady.

He breathed out shakily, the sensitive skin of his stomach quivering beneath my fingers, "I don't have to be chivalrous, you know," he warned.

"I never asked you to be, Sirius. You took that upon yourself."

He laughed, "I suppose I did."

I sighed, a bit of disappointment hidden beneath my breath "Maybe… we should go back then," I murmured as I reached for my clothes, "I'm tired."

* * *

_I could say that I don't care_

_but the truth I'd follow you anywhere_

_I've been waiting such a long, long time_

_don't you dare change your mind_

* * *

_So sorry for my tardiness._


End file.
